Alright

Man, I have avoided this post for three weeks now.

I know I said I was going to come back here, hell or high water, and write about the Bengals, but after getting kicked in the junk three weeks straight, I just didn't have it in me.

Basically because I am a giant pussy.

As some of you know, I live in Los Angeles. I headed back to the Nati on Christmas Eve, planning my flight so that I'd arrive right before the start of the Bengals/Broncos game. I watched the first half of the game at Willie's across the river, then sped home to catch the second half.

Then, the extra point botch. Jesus Christ.

To make matters more painful, my incredibly awesome mom scored us some tickets to the Bengals/Steelers game. I had pretty much written off the Bengals playoff hopes (what with the Jets playing Oakland and all), but I am still a fan, and since I only get the chance to see them in person once a year, I was stoked about the game.

That is, until the game was actually played. YIKES is right. Same old Bengals.

And then the missed field goal. And then the overtime 60+ yard touchdown pass by Ben to end the game.

And it totally, totally, totally sucked.

So I've been hiding, like the pussy I am, hoping to avoid any painful memories.

The Bengals just weren't that good this year. They lost a lot of the big games. Chris Henry dropped a lot of passes. We went through a lot of linebackers.

It wasn't our year.

Next year? That's a different story.

I'd like to thank the dozen or so of you who've read my Bengals blog this year. I haven't been the most reliable writer, but I hope if nothing else you got a couple laughs out of the whole thing.

I may chime in from time to time during the offseason, but I'll definitely be back next year. I'm contemplating doing a companion blog for the Reds, but I might need to go on anti-depressants first, because I think their 2007 season is shaping up to be a train wreck of Unbreakable proportions.

If any of you guys have any desire to read a WhoDave Reds blog, leave me a comment. If you want me to die and burn in hell, leave me a comment.

Thanks again.

Who dey.

I Have Heard the Future

Well, it's been a fairly slow week out here in L.A., as the entire entertainment industry, of which I am an unfortunate member, slows to a crawl during the month of December. Luckily, this left me with plenty of time to confer with one of the greatest minds of our time. A man revered not only for his foresight, but also for gracing his every word and movement with a certain degree of coolness.


I am speaking, of course, about Slick, the Doctor of Style.

Now you probably know Slick as a former WWF professional wrestling manager, who managed such acts as The Iron Sheik, Akeem, and the Big Bossman.

But how many of you knew he is also clairvoyant? Yes, Slick the Doctor of Style has been known to dabble in the black arts, and as a result he has limited powers of seeing the future.

In his one-room office in East Hollywood, I spoke with Slick for several hours about the upcoming Bengals / Colts matchup on Monday. The results may shock you, but remember, Slick is a professional, and considering the amount of chicken blood used in his divining ceremony, my guess is that he knows what he is talking about.

Without further ado, here's a list of Slick's "visions" of the game:

1. Not only will Peyton Manning throw two interceptions, but one of them will be run back for a touchdown by either Caleb Miller or Kevin Kaesviharn (all he saw was a "goofy looking white boy," so I filled in the blanks).
2. Rudi will have over 120 yards rushing, and Chad and TJ will combine for around 150 yards in the air. All of which will be overshadowed by Carson Palmer actually levitating off the ground sometime in the 3rd quarter. I am skeptical about this one, but Slick was adamant.
3. Apparently, Peyton Manning ("That corn fed white dude with the big head") will cry on national television after the game. So set those Tivos.
4. It will be a close matchup ("Like two Chinese brothas in a kung fu fight, dig?") but the Bengals will emerge victorious in the end.

Since Slick has never let me down before, I'm fairly confident in the Good Guys' chances on Monday. Until then, as always, WHO DEY?

Oh Yeah . . .

Did anyone else think that Al Michaels was drunk on SNF the other night? Ok, I know that was two whole days ago, but it left a lasting impression on me.

He was apoplectic about the refereeing, and that was funny enough, but he kept yelling, making strange comments, and generally acting like he'd been hitting the sauce for a couple hours. If I didn't have such a lousy memory I'd drop some quotes to refresh your memory.

Of course, I haven't found anyone else on the internet talking about this, so there's a decent chance it's all in my head.

Evil Starting to Contemplate Suicide - Good Guys Win Fourth Straight 27-10

Four in a row is nice. Granted, two of those teams were the Oakland Raiders and the Cleveland Browns, but a win's a win, right?

As I said earlier this season, this 2006 version of the Bengals fairs pretty well against inferior teams, the "should win" games. So I wasn't particularly nervous about this matchup against one of the league's worst teams. And it was good to see the boys put the Raiders away early.

Nevertheless, this wasn't a perfect game by any stretch of the imagination.

The Good and the Bad:

THE GOOD NEWS

• The Bengals never trailed once in this game and it appears as though the offense is about as good as it can be. TJ, Chris Henry, Ocho Cinco, Rudi, and Carson all played marvelously, and it's fun to watch. I know I'm incredibly biased, but for my NFL dollar it doesn't get any better than watching the Bengals' offense clicking. Just fun to watch.
• Jonathan Joseph continues to impress. Now if we can just get some pine tar on his hands, we could increase our turnover differential by a decent margin.
  
• Sam Adams is finally playing like the guy we thought we signed in the offseason. Did you see him plow through the Raiders' O-Line on that 4th and short? Just manhandled his blockers.
  
• That's not to take anything away from Robert Geathers, who had a fantastic game, adding two sacks to his total. His speed really impressed me yesterday, as on both those sacks he had to chase down Aaron Brooks from behind. The progeny of Jumpy is a baller, that much is obvious.
• We have a full head of steam heading into the biggest game of the year next week. And Indy's on the slide. But they are a vicious beast at home. I expect this to be one of the best games of the year, and I'm glad it's gonna be on MNF.
• Can I get a round of applause for my main man Kenny Watson? I, like many of you, was never much of a K-Dub fan. I always thought of him as that guy who takes carries away from Chris Perry. But you know what? You can have Chris Perry. Kenny Watson has come up on so many big plays this year, I can't even count them all. How many times have you seen him get the ball on 3rd and long and make an incredible play to get the first? Four times this year maybe? A long overdue tip of the hat to Kenny from WhoDave. You earned it, buddy.
  

THE BAD

• What's with our offense being so sloppy with the ball? FOUR turnovers yesterday. Three picks by Carson and a fumble by Rudi. Yeah, we still won the game, but if we hand the ball over to Indy next week, we're gonna lose. You KNOW Indy is gonna be fired up for that game, so we can't afford any mistakes.
• I . . . really can't think of anything else that bugged me about yesterday's game. It was a pleasure. I love watching Carson Palmer show. He's one of the top five quarterbacks in the league, he's only 26 years old, and he's all ours. Would you trade Palmer for any other player in the league right now? Me either. And we get to keep him!

BRING ON THE COLTS!

Jesus

Another Bengal gets arrested. At the club. For assaulting a police officer. Sigh.

Begin scene:

EXT. THE RED DOOR NIGHTCLUB

A long line of clubgoers winds around the side of the club. Mostly white guys in ugly shirts. A black Escalade rolls onto the scene. REGGIE gets out of the car wearing a neon green Bengals jersey. He approaches the BOUNCER.

REGGIE
Hello, there, my good man! How goes it on this fine night?

BOUNCER
Just fucking chipper, amigo! What can I do for you?

REGGIE
Well, I see this complete bummer of a line,
and I was wondering if there's any way around it . . .

BOUNCER
Shucks, I sure don't think so, pal. Just
wouldn't be fair to all these white guys in
ugly shirts, would it?

REGGIE
Well, I am a member of the Cincinnati Bengals,
if that affiliation "opens any doors," so to speak!

REGGIE winks and elbows the Bouncer suggesively, pleased with his double entendre.

BOUNCER
I don't believe you. You seem way too mild
mannered. You're probably just a Chili's
bartender trying to dupe me.

A uniformed POLICE OFFICER walks by.

REGGIE
Not a Bengal, huh? Why don't you try this on
for size!

Reggie sucker punches the POLICE OFFICER in the stomach as the Bouncer looks on, impressed. Reggie keeps punching until the cop is incapacitated.

BOUNCER
My mistake, Mr. Henry! Please step inside!

END SCENE

I'm Still Giddy

Ok, real quick, before someone in the party-pooping department takes it down, go on over to the official Bengals site and check out this headline. Yeah, I thought that might do something for you.

For the link-challenged, the copywriting geniuses over at Bengals.com decided that "Bengals Just So Raven" was actually a decent headline for the game wrap up. You know you're in trouble when you run a headline that even WhoDave thinks is a bit tacky. Not that I don't appreciate a reference to a Disney Channel show on the official website of the Cincinnati Bengals . . . wait . . . I don't appreciate that at all. What the hell?

The only logical comparison I can think of would be a late 1990s WWF star wrestler, say perhaps Randy Savage, working the Urkel dance into one of his matches. Wouldn't be cool, right? I mean you'd definitely get some belly laughs out of the whole thing, but wouldn't you respect the Macho Man just a little bit less? Me too.

But today, I do not care about such trivialities. For today, the Bengals are kings. What a great game all around. Without further ado, here are my game thoughts:

• The flea-flicker play was just awesome. Right out of the 2005 Steelers playbook. TJ sold it, got open, and made the wide open catch. One of the reasons I love watching the Bengals is the "jump out of my seat" factor. In a good Bengals game I'll physically jump out of my seat, screaming, then look around for the nearest high five opportunity. I had two last night. One on the flea flicker, and one on . . .
• Ethan Kilmer's fumble recovery off of special teams. Which he ran back for a touchdown, but was called back, according to Bryant Gumbel, because it was declared a "muff." Ok, stop giggling about the whole "muff" thing. I have no idea what the hell this rule is, why no one seemed to give a shit, or why Bryant and Collinsworth decided that no further explanation was necessary. Granted, I am not an expert. Would someone be good enough to explain this one to me?
• How about that offensive line? The backup center goes down in the middle of the game, but the third string guy comes through. Tip of the hat to Wilkerson and the rest of the gang. That flea flicker play never would've got off the ground without some great protection.
• But let's not forget the Cincinnati backfield. Rudi, Jeremi, and sometimes Reggie Kelly all played wonderfully on pass protection. The Ravens ate Big Ben alive last week, but out boys gave Palmer enough time to do his thing.
• Speaking of which, great game by Palmer all around, but he is still throwing off that back foot, isn't he? Kudos to the Cincy WR corps for coming down with most of those high passes, but methinks Carson is still not 100% confident in his new knee.
• But I really don't have much else negative to say about this game. We could've scored a few more points just to close it out, but our D held up their end of the bargain. Great game in almost every aspect.

WHO DEY?

Evil Gets Kicked in the Junk on National TV - Good Guys Win 13-7

Simply wonderful.

The Bengals were dominant tonight, and they absolutely deserved this win.

That flea flicker play made my day, week, and quite possibly my November.

Tune in tomorrow for my thoughts on this wonderful, wonderful game.