I Have Heard the Future

Well, it's been a fairly slow week out here in L.A., as the entire entertainment industry, of which I am an unfortunate member, slows to a crawl during the month of December. Luckily, this left me with plenty of time to confer with one of the greatest minds of our time. A man revered not only for his foresight, but also for gracing his every word and movement with a certain degree of coolness.


I am speaking, of course, about Slick, the Doctor of Style.

Now you probably know Slick as a former WWF professional wrestling manager, who managed such acts as The Iron Sheik, Akeem, and the Big Bossman.

But how many of you knew he is also clairvoyant? Yes, Slick the Doctor of Style has been known to dabble in the black arts, and as a result he has limited powers of seeing the future.

In his one-room office in East Hollywood, I spoke with Slick for several hours about the upcoming Bengals / Colts matchup on Monday. The results may shock you, but remember, Slick is a professional, and considering the amount of chicken blood used in his divining ceremony, my guess is that he knows what he is talking about.

Without further ado, here's a list of Slick's "visions" of the game:

1. Not only will Peyton Manning throw two interceptions, but one of them will be run back for a touchdown by either Caleb Miller or Kevin Kaesviharn (all he saw was a "goofy looking white boy," so I filled in the blanks).
2. Rudi will have over 120 yards rushing, and Chad and TJ will combine for around 150 yards in the air. All of which will be overshadowed by Carson Palmer actually levitating off the ground sometime in the 3rd quarter. I am skeptical about this one, but Slick was adamant.
3. Apparently, Peyton Manning ("That corn fed white dude with the big head") will cry on national television after the game. So set those Tivos.
4. It will be a close matchup ("Like two Chinese brothas in a kung fu fight, dig?") but the Bengals will emerge victorious in the end.

Since Slick has never let me down before, I'm fairly confident in the Good Guys' chances on Monday. Until then, as always, WHO DEY?

Oh Yeah . . .

Did anyone else think that Al Michaels was drunk on SNF the other night? Ok, I know that was two whole days ago, but it left a lasting impression on me.

He was apoplectic about the refereeing, and that was funny enough, but he kept yelling, making strange comments, and generally acting like he'd been hitting the sauce for a couple hours. If I didn't have such a lousy memory I'd drop some quotes to refresh your memory.

Of course, I haven't found anyone else on the internet talking about this, so there's a decent chance it's all in my head.

Evil Starting to Contemplate Suicide - Good Guys Win Fourth Straight 27-10

Four in a row is nice. Granted, two of those teams were the Oakland Raiders and the Cleveland Browns, but a win's a win, right?

As I said earlier this season, this 2006 version of the Bengals fairs pretty well against inferior teams, the "should win" games. So I wasn't particularly nervous about this matchup against one of the league's worst teams. And it was good to see the boys put the Raiders away early.

Nevertheless, this wasn't a perfect game by any stretch of the imagination.

The Good and the Bad:

THE GOOD NEWS

• The Bengals never trailed once in this game and it appears as though the offense is about as good as it can be. TJ, Chris Henry, Ocho Cinco, Rudi, and Carson all played marvelously, and it's fun to watch. I know I'm incredibly biased, but for my NFL dollar it doesn't get any better than watching the Bengals' offense clicking. Just fun to watch.
• Jonathan Joseph continues to impress. Now if we can just get some pine tar on his hands, we could increase our turnover differential by a decent margin.
  
• Sam Adams is finally playing like the guy we thought we signed in the offseason. Did you see him plow through the Raiders' O-Line on that 4th and short? Just manhandled his blockers.
  
• That's not to take anything away from Robert Geathers, who had a fantastic game, adding two sacks to his total. His speed really impressed me yesterday, as on both those sacks he had to chase down Aaron Brooks from behind. The progeny of Jumpy is a baller, that much is obvious.
• We have a full head of steam heading into the biggest game of the year next week. And Indy's on the slide. But they are a vicious beast at home. I expect this to be one of the best games of the year, and I'm glad it's gonna be on MNF.
• Can I get a round of applause for my main man Kenny Watson? I, like many of you, was never much of a K-Dub fan. I always thought of him as that guy who takes carries away from Chris Perry. But you know what? You can have Chris Perry. Kenny Watson has come up on so many big plays this year, I can't even count them all. How many times have you seen him get the ball on 3rd and long and make an incredible play to get the first? Four times this year maybe? A long overdue tip of the hat to Kenny from WhoDave. You earned it, buddy.
  

THE BAD

• What's with our offense being so sloppy with the ball? FOUR turnovers yesterday. Three picks by Carson and a fumble by Rudi. Yeah, we still won the game, but if we hand the ball over to Indy next week, we're gonna lose. You KNOW Indy is gonna be fired up for that game, so we can't afford any mistakes.
• I . . . really can't think of anything else that bugged me about yesterday's game. It was a pleasure. I love watching Carson Palmer show. He's one of the top five quarterbacks in the league, he's only 26 years old, and he's all ours. Would you trade Palmer for any other player in the league right now? Me either. And we get to keep him!

BRING ON THE COLTS!

Jesus

Another Bengal gets arrested. At the club. For assaulting a police officer. Sigh.

Begin scene:

EXT. THE RED DOOR NIGHTCLUB

A long line of clubgoers winds around the side of the club. Mostly white guys in ugly shirts. A black Escalade rolls onto the scene. REGGIE gets out of the car wearing a neon green Bengals jersey. He approaches the BOUNCER.

REGGIE
Hello, there, my good man! How goes it on this fine night?

BOUNCER
Just fucking chipper, amigo! What can I do for you?

REGGIE
Well, I see this complete bummer of a line,
and I was wondering if there's any way around it . . .

BOUNCER
Shucks, I sure don't think so, pal. Just
wouldn't be fair to all these white guys in
ugly shirts, would it?

REGGIE
Well, I am a member of the Cincinnati Bengals,
if that affiliation "opens any doors," so to speak!

REGGIE winks and elbows the Bouncer suggesively, pleased with his double entendre.

BOUNCER
I don't believe you. You seem way too mild
mannered. You're probably just a Chili's
bartender trying to dupe me.

A uniformed POLICE OFFICER walks by.

REGGIE
Not a Bengal, huh? Why don't you try this on
for size!

Reggie sucker punches the POLICE OFFICER in the stomach as the Bouncer looks on, impressed. Reggie keeps punching until the cop is incapacitated.

BOUNCER
My mistake, Mr. Henry! Please step inside!

END SCENE

I'm Still Giddy

Ok, real quick, before someone in the party-pooping department takes it down, go on over to the official Bengals site and check out this headline. Yeah, I thought that might do something for you.

For the link-challenged, the copywriting geniuses over at Bengals.com decided that "Bengals Just So Raven" was actually a decent headline for the game wrap up. You know you're in trouble when you run a headline that even WhoDave thinks is a bit tacky. Not that I don't appreciate a reference to a Disney Channel show on the official website of the Cincinnati Bengals . . . wait . . . I don't appreciate that at all. What the hell?

The only logical comparison I can think of would be a late 1990s WWF star wrestler, say perhaps Randy Savage, working the Urkel dance into one of his matches. Wouldn't be cool, right? I mean you'd definitely get some belly laughs out of the whole thing, but wouldn't you respect the Macho Man just a little bit less? Me too.

But today, I do not care about such trivialities. For today, the Bengals are kings. What a great game all around. Without further ado, here are my game thoughts:

• The flea-flicker play was just awesome. Right out of the 2005 Steelers playbook. TJ sold it, got open, and made the wide open catch. One of the reasons I love watching the Bengals is the "jump out of my seat" factor. In a good Bengals game I'll physically jump out of my seat, screaming, then look around for the nearest high five opportunity. I had two last night. One on the flea flicker, and one on . . .
• Ethan Kilmer's fumble recovery off of special teams. Which he ran back for a touchdown, but was called back, according to Bryant Gumbel, because it was declared a "muff." Ok, stop giggling about the whole "muff" thing. I have no idea what the hell this rule is, why no one seemed to give a shit, or why Bryant and Collinsworth decided that no further explanation was necessary. Granted, I am not an expert. Would someone be good enough to explain this one to me?
• How about that offensive line? The backup center goes down in the middle of the game, but the third string guy comes through. Tip of the hat to Wilkerson and the rest of the gang. That flea flicker play never would've got off the ground without some great protection.
• But let's not forget the Cincinnati backfield. Rudi, Jeremi, and sometimes Reggie Kelly all played wonderfully on pass protection. The Ravens ate Big Ben alive last week, but out boys gave Palmer enough time to do his thing.
• Speaking of which, great game by Palmer all around, but he is still throwing off that back foot, isn't he? Kudos to the Cincy WR corps for coming down with most of those high passes, but methinks Carson is still not 100% confident in his new knee.
• But I really don't have much else negative to say about this game. We could've scored a few more points just to close it out, but our D held up their end of the bargain. Great game in almost every aspect.

WHO DEY?

Evil Gets Kicked in the Junk on National TV - Good Guys Win 13-7

Simply wonderful.

The Bengals were dominant tonight, and they absolutely deserved this win.

That flea flicker play made my day, week, and quite possibly my November.

Tune in tomorrow for my thoughts on this wonderful, wonderful game.

Fuck Bryant Gumbel

He had to say "The Bengals now have two shutouts in a row" when there was still two minutes on the clock. Are you kidding me? You mean nobody sat him down and told him the jinx rules of sports before they put him on the air?

His stock just plummetted. I'm taking a bath in these Bryant Gumbels right now.

Bryant Gumbel is Awesome

Ok, it's still early in the fourth quarter, but how funny is it that Bryant Gumbel keeps pronouncing Rashad Jeanty's last name "ZHAN-tee"? He must have seen Jeanty's CFL experience and made some sort of Quebec connection, then figured he could impress Collinsworth with his spot-on accent.

Tonight is the Night

There's a good argument to be made that the success of the Bengals' 2006 campaign hinges on a very important match up against the Ravens tonight. If we could've eked out an extra victory or two earlier in the season, this game wouldn't be as important. Alas, we're sitting on a 6-5 record, and while it's possible to get into the playoffs with an 11-5 mark, 10-6 just ain't cutting it in the AFC these days, and you can forget about 9-7.

Thus, in order to make it to the postseason, the Bengals basically have to run the table against some of the best teams the AFC has to offer. Oh, and the Raiders, but that's a fight for another day. But seriously: Ravens, (raiders), Colts, Broncos, Steelers? That, my friend, is what we call a bitch of a schedule. But my attention is wandering: the only game that is important right now is the one we play tonight.

Despite their very impressive 9-2 record, the Ravens still aren't a complete team by any means. But their top notch defense is so good that when it's firing on all cylinders, it makes the opposition look foolish and grossly mismatched. The good news is the Bengals have one of the best offenses in the game, and I expect them to give the Ravens some headaches.

With a painful 26-20 loss already on the books this season, the Bengals have some experience / game tape to help them prepare for this game.

So why did we lose?

1. Three Cincinnati Turnovers. That's the game right there, gang. Two picks thrown by Palmer, plus a lost fumble, courtesy of Chris Perry on the opening kickoff. That fumble really set a shitty tone for the game, much as the 101-yd. TD return by the Browns (which was overturned) set the tone for that game. That opening drive is so important. Which makes me a bit scared that we don't have any regular starters (or even backups) returning kicks for us.


2. Steve McNair was 6-8 on converting on 3rd down in the first half. He killed us. Usually by throwing to Mark Clayton. We have to start sacking up on 3rd down. Bresnahan has been doing a lousy job of play calling on 3rd down all year, and this needs to be the game where he steps up.

That's pretty much the story of the game. If we win the turnover battle and keep steady pressure on McNair, we should win this one. Remember, even though we turned the ball over three times, we still only lost by six points. Erase even one of those turnovers, and we could've won the game.

Did I mention that Baltimore had one of the easiest schedules in the league? They have won games against two "good" opponents: San Diego (can't take anything away from them there) and Pittsburgh. Granted, they beat two teams that beat us (Atlanta and TB), but I'll insert the usual arguments about how we were robbed in TB. Atlanta -- shit I guess you got me there.

I, for one, am cautiously optimistic about our chances tonight.

WhoDave's official prediction: Bengals 24, Ravens 13.

Who DEY!

Onward to Baltimore - Good Guys Blank the Browns 30 - 0

Ahh, the sweet splendor of victory.

Well, ol' WhoDave's gameplan for yesterday's game hit a bit of a snag when I realized I'd booked my flight for 4:45 pm, thus making it nearly impossible for me to watch the entire game at my bar of choice, O'Bryon's. For those of you Cincinnati faithful who haven't watched a game there, I highly recommend it. Maybe not the biggest bar in Cincy, and maybe it doesn't have the best TVs, food, or even beer selection, but everyone cheers on the big plays, they have some pretty good wings, and when the Bengals (inevitably) win, my good friend Emily, who runs the joint, throws "Another One Bites the Dust" on the jukebox and everybody is drunk and merry.

Nevertheless, I wasn't able to watch the game there, so I had to split it up between the Willie's Sports Bar just across the river and the Outback Steakhouse in Terminal B of the Airport. And after living in Los Angeles for five years, you can't imagine how nice it is to watch Bengals' games with a bar full of Bengals fans. Coming home is nice.

I have a few rules I try to abide by when I go home to Cincy.

To Wit:

1. Eat one of the following at least once a day: Skyline/Gold Star Chili, LaRosa's, White Castle (not local but they don't have them on the west coast), or Montgomery Inn. I typically put on about a pound a day back in the Nati. People always act shocked by the amount of fat people in the midwest, but I'm more puzzled by the amount of thin ones. How's a guy to stay fit when you have sliders available 24 hours a day?
2. Suppress the urge to drive 75 miles per hour down Madison Ave. Ok, if you live in Los Angeles, you typically never need to worry about getting a speeding ticket. Why? Because your speed is dictated by the car in front of you. And there's ALWAYS a car in front of you. So when you see those brief, fleeting openings in traffic, you step on the fucking gas, dig? But the Nati is so damn traffic light, that it takes the entirety of my will to not stomp on the gas pedal like it's a rabid cockroach.
3. Try to Reconnect with my White Trash roots. There is a surprising dearth of white trash in the City of Angels, so whenever possible at home I try to bond with my bretheren. Sometimes this takes the form of an obligatory wad of chewing tobacco; sometimes it's as simple as drinking a twelve pack of Little Kings; other times I actually have to find an abandoned shack, raid the local Wal Mart, and then synthesize methamphetamine for a couple years. It's all about kicking it old school, isn't it?

Before I delve into my typically pedestrian game analysis, I'd like to send a message to all the airports of the United States: Please, if there is any decency in any of you, install Gold Star Chili restaurants in every airport in the country. Please. You have no idea how nice it is to have 45 minutes to kill before a flight and be able to munch down a 3-way and a cheese coney. That Dick Clark's American Bandstand joint in Salt Lake City just doesn't cut it.

But I digress, yet again.

Poor Romeo Crennel has got to be at his wit's end by now, right? The Bengals just dominated the Browns in every aspect of the game. When they had that 101 yard TD return called back, didn't you know it wasn't going to be their game? Nothing deflates a home crowd more than screaming and cheering after a huge play, only to settle into a depressed "awwwww" when the play is brought back. But c'mon, it's not like the Browns faithful aren't used to being disappointed by now, right?

Let's move on to the Good News / Bad News:

THE GOOD NEWS

• I've already said it, but it bears repeating: Chad is back, and he's bad. I don't have much to add to what's already been said, but CJ just set an NFL record for receiving yards in three consecutive games. Congrats and a tip of the hat to Ocho Cinco.
• Kevin Kaesviharn is turning into a stud right before our eyes. Yup, the Safety You Love to Hate is now leading the team in interceptions with six. Not too shabby for a guy that message boards and Cincinnati sports writers alike derided for being a scrub just last year. Ol' WhoDave isn't innocent of this charge, but I have to admit now that he's becoming quite the little gamemaker, and I mean that in the most condescending way possible.
• Tory James had 2 INTs, but I still think he's done. Hmmph.
• Bratkowski called a great game. Once they established the lead, they started milking the clock. If we would've done this two weeks ago against SD, we'd be 7-4 right now. Doesn't that sound nice?
• We've done a good job of building up some momentum for Thursday's home game against Baltimore. Despite their excellent record, I still think the Ravens are overrated, and I think that with the wind at our backs we have a good chance of handing them their third loss of the season.

THE BAD NEWS

• Chris Perry broke his leg. Again. After picking up a good first down. It's really sucks that Perry's been injured so much since his professional career began, but I have to think that this is it for him with this franchise. I think he could've been very good, but he's simply too fragile for the NFL.
• The Ravens embarrassed the Steelers yesterday. We all know the Steelers have been playing some shitty football lately, but this was just ridiculous. 27-0, and Ben was just manhandled. You know you're in trouble as a Steeler's fan when you get stoked when Chaz Batch goes in the game . . .
• The Raven's have won five in a row, so they've got a bit of momentum as well. If the Bengals lose on Thursday, Baltimore clinches the division. We shall NOT let this happen.

All in all, I don't have a lot to complain about this week. The jury is out on whether or not this whole Thursday Night Football thing is gonna work out, but I guess we'll see in three days.

Until then, as always, WHO DEY?

Tragedy Takes a Week Off - Good Guys Win 31-16

Well, it was nice, I'll have to admit that. It was nice not having my Sunday ruined by a Cincinnati loss yesterday, but the naysayer in me can't entirely appreciate this victory. For one, the Ravens continued their streak of good football by getting the better of the Atlanta Falcons. Second, while the Bengals won decidedly in the points department, they also gave up an exorbitant amount of yards.


Let's just skip to the Good / Bad, shall we?


GOOD SHIT

• Two weeks ago, I told Chad to shut his trap until he put up big numbers two weeks in a row. Mr. Johnson, you may now officially continue flapping your gums. In these two weeks, Chad's accumulated 450 yards and five touchdowns. Yes. That's right. In two weeks. "H0ly shit" doesn't even begin to cover it. Welcome back, 85.


• On that same side of the coin, Carson's been much better. He improved a bit last week against the stupid Chargers, and yesterday he really delivered. Someone smarter than me pointed out that he didn't really spread the ball around too much, but who cares? If 85 can get open, you throw him the ball. I think the best sign we have that the offense is turning / turned around is the re-emergence of the Carson-Chad tandem, one of the best in the game.


• As my main man Kirkendall pointed out, the offensive line played a hell of a game yesterday, giving Carson enough time to wreak havoc on the Saints' secondary. Similarly, the defensive line played well also, good enough to contain Bush and McAllister. Kudos, gentlemen.


• Jonathan Joseph played well in the absence of Deltha O'Neal. You know I love Deltha, and JJ has a while to go before he's a legitimate NFL calibre CB, but he's making some strides.


• How about those white defensive backs! KAESVIHARN! KILMER! IT'S THE CINCINNATI BENGALS ON CBS! (apologies to Mr. Simmons for stealing his shtick).


• The dumb Colts lost! There is a god, and he is not a Peyton Manning fan.

BAD NEWS

• Yeah, yeah. We won the game. But that doesn't mean we can just write off yesterday's game in the "W" column and not think about it again. Primarily because . . .


• Drew Brees had Five. Hundred. Yards. Passing. Seriously.


• The quarterback sneak call in the redzone -- yikes. Alright, I know that a lot of the game of football is keeping your opponent guessing, but c'mon, gang. The only thing the Saints' were guessing after that SNAFU was whether or not the Bengals were trying to throw the game. I'll take Sam Adams against Carson Palmer in a foot race any day of the week. In fact, if they had put Sam Adams in at QB for this play, I would've been ok with the whole thing. Think how awesome it would be to see his 350+ lb. ass behind center. Comedy GOLD.


• Our defense just isn't getting it done this year. This was a very 2005 game for the Bengals. A lousy defense held up with an explosive offense. Fun to watch, but is it enough to a) make it to the playoffs and b) make it to the SB?

We shall see. In the mean time, I'm heading to Cincinnati for the holiday. I'll be staking out O'Bryon's for my Sunday fun. Anyone who correctly recognizes me at the bar gets a free beer from WhoDave.

Who DEY?

Evil on Quite a Roll - Good Guys Lose (Again) 49-41

There really aren't any words to describe the anguish involved in blowing a 21 point lead. Since I'm fairly confident that anyone reading this right now knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about, I won't even try.

Here's a pretty fair game summary:

Our offense exploded, but the collateral damage from said explosion irreparably damaged our defense. And we lost the game. Sucks.

Since I don't have it in my soul to try and defend our poor outclassed defense, I'm going to try a different tack. Namely, I'm going to ramble on about WRESTLEMANIA III, just because I want to.

WRESTLEMANIA III

I realized two things right off the bat as I sat and watched WM3 last night. First, I'm getting old. I remember watching this program when it originally aired back in 1987, which (by the way) was almost TWENTY FUCKING YEARS AGO. If you would have told me ten years ago that I'd be reminiscing about shit on TV from twenty years ago ten years into the future, I'd be very confused as to what, exactly, you meant. But DAMN, I'm getting old.

Second, it is uncanny how much our pop culture has changed in those twenty years, and how much professional wrestling's role in said pop culture has changed. To wit:

• Know who opened up the Wrestlemania III festivities? Aretha "The Queen of Soul" Franklin! I'm not kidding. She was looking good, too. Starting to get a little thick, but not even a shade of her present ginormous self. Can you imagine Aretha even returning a phone call about singing at Wrestlemania today? That call wouldn't make it past her agent's assistant these days.


• In the broadcast booth, the standard team of Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse "The Body" Ventura was supplemented with Bob Uecker and Mary Hart. Now no one is shocked about the addition of the "Ueck," but Mary Hart? Granted, Entertainment Tonight ain't the ABC World News, but don't you think it's slightly more respectable than the WWF? Apparently, in 1987, they were on an even keel. Fascinating stuff.


• The pre-politically correct world was such a beautiful place. Two awesome side stories here:

1. The Junkyard Dog. He used to be one of my absolute favorite wrestlers back in the day. But this shit would just not fly these days. Wouldn't even make it off the pitch table. "Ok, how about a black guy, but he's kind of crazy, like he's an animal, right? And we put some chains around his neck that he has to carry around with him, and given the chance, he starts barking and acting crazy. And we'll call him either Runaway Slave or Junkyard Dog, whichever marketing prefers." Holy shit, right? But in the happy-go-lucky world of 1987, not only was JYD acceptable, he was a big hit.


2. The Best Wrestling Match Ever EVER. Hillbilly Jim (a white trash stereotype before that shit was played out) and two midgets versus King Kong Bundy and . . . two other midgets. Just brilliant as a set up. But the best part of watching the tape is the unabashed use of the word "midget." Between Hillbilly Jim, Jesse Ventura, and Mean Gene Okerland, the M-bomb gets dropped at least 47 times. But perhaps the word "midget" doesn't do anything for you. Ok, tough guy, what if I sweetened the pot a bit? What if I told you that one of the midgets (seen at left) went by the handle "Little Beaver?" And that over the course of the match, Bob Uecker drops about eight "beaver" puns, each a bit more uncomfortable than the last? Yeah, that's what I thought. The match concludes with King Kong Bundy unsportingly smashing Little Beaver with his girth. Which is when KKB's own midgets turn on him. And the final shot is of Hillbilly Jim cradling a broken Little Beaver in his arms . . . Probably my favorite moment in all of professional sports / entertainment history.

• Man, those managers were really part of the action back in the day. Jimmy Hart, Bobby "the Brain" Heenan, Slick "the Doctor of Style," and, of course, Mr Fuji. In 1987, there was no room in the American heart for a benevolent older Asian man. If you were old and Asian, you might as well work on your sneer, because you were gonna be a bad guy. Mr. Fuji was so evil, his nickname was "the Devious One." They just picked up that Fu Manchu torch and ran with that bastard.


• Overall, I found Wrestlemania III about six times more entertaining than the Bengals / Chargers game. Sure, the game was a big shoot out, but WM3 had Rowdy Roddy Piper and Andre the Giant. No contest, right?

Sigh.

Ok, I promise this space will no longer be used for Wrestlemania coverage, and that I will be a good, non-fair-weather fan and cover my Bengals just as lovingly as if they were 9-0, because that's how I was raised. But for you other twenty/thirty somethings looking for a little pick me up: go get Wrestlemania III, post haste. And tell Little Beaver I said hi.

Evil Triumphs Yet Again - Good Guys Lose 26 - 20

Sigh.

The Bengals dropped an important game against the Ravens yesterday, dropping to 4-4, two games behind Baltimore in the AFC North.

This just wasn't our game. Yeah, the non-call for pass interference on 4th down was bullshit, and there were a few other questionable calls in the game, but c'mon gang. We lost this game with a few very costly mistakes, and we couldn't capitalize on the few turnover opportunities we had.

Chris Perry's fumble on the first play of the game was a pretty big indicator of things to come. Palmer looked pretty damned rusty, throwing two picks on the day and only completing 12 of his 26 passes. Ugly game all around.

Never has our linebacker corps looked more sorry or depleted than against Todd Heap. We just cannot defend a good receiving tight end. Last week it was Alge Crumpler, this week it was Heap. But the story was the same. Every third down Heap was wide open, two yards ahead of the first down mark. I ran out of expletives in this game. I kept trying out new ones, seeing if one would stick, but without much success. But I do like the sound of "Butt Shit Ass Smoker," so I might toy around with that one for a while.

Where do we stand?

Well, we're at .500, which isn't great, but it's definitely not insurmountable. The bad news is that we're in the AFC, and with the Broncos, the Jaguars, the Chiefs, and a few other teams doing pretty well, it looks like our best shot of getting into the playoffs is to win the division. Against the team that beat the shit out of us on television yesterday. Tricky tricky.

Here are my other game/overall thoughts about the Bengals' season thus far:

• It pains me to say it, but Chad Johnson needs to shut up now. I love his spirit, I love his game. But when you aren't taking care of business on the field, you have no right to talk smack. You have no right to draw attention to yourself. I love you, Chad, but bring it for two games in a row, and then you can start flapping those gums again.


• Carson needs better protection, but he also needs to sack up a bit. How many passes sailed over their intended receivers yesterday because Palmer wasn't leaning into his throws? That's really the worst thing about a big injury: even after you've healed, the mental block hangs around for a bit, fucking up your game. You can tell just by watching that Palmer isn't comfortable in the pocket, and I can't really blame the guy. But he is an NFL quarterback, and he needs to find his confidence in order for this team to have any real success.


• TJ Houshmanzadeh is awesome. Probably one of the top 10 receivers in the league. Ok, maybe that's stretching it. But when he took off his helmet after the non-call, he really screwed over his team. Maybe that twenty yards wouldn't have mattered, but maybe they would have. We were given one last chance to win it, but we had to work from our own 30 yard line or something like that. Because of his (warranted) temper tantrum, our last chance was made that much more difficult.


• Rudi is the best. I have absolutely nothing negative to say about him or his game. He still only got the ball 18 times, but he averaged 4.3 per carry, which ain't too shabby. I still want to see Brat run the ball more on first down.


• Jonathan Joseph is a geniune stud. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Bench Tory James.


• The hole was too deep to dig out of. Yes, a 14 point lead isn't that big a deal, but when those 14 points completely demoralize the other team, they're pretty much done. First the fumble and then the interception, and it was basically game over in the 1st quarter.

The good news? Well, the game's over, and we can move on. The bad news? San Diego is coming to town next Sunday. Get the Pepto Bismal ready, gang.

Who Dey?

Bleh

Well, ol' WhoDave has been sick as a dog this week, thus the lack of posts.

While I don't have definitive proof that last week's debacle against the Falcons is responsible for my ailment, I have my suspicions.

Moving right along, the Bengals go into their first big "must win" of the season on Sunday against the pretty durn good Baltimore Ravens.

My head is pounding WAY too hard right now to do a dedicated analysis, so I'm gonna take a powder on this one.

Who DEY!?

Evil Triumphs - Good Guys Lose 29-27

I'm completely deflated after yesterday's game.

And so I will stay mum until my tiny brain has time to process this travesty.

Give me a day here, gang.

Bengals / Falcons Preview

It's the most wonderful time of the week, folks. On Sunday our beloved Cincinnati Bengals will host the 4-2 Atlanta Falcons at Paul Brown Stadium. After last week's somewhat boring game (come on, that first half was BRUTAL), I'm really hoping that the Bengals put on at least 37 pieces of flare and really express themselves against the Dirty Birds.

Well, honestly, I'll be as pleased as punch if we just win, exciting game be damned. But wasn't that part of why last season was so awesome? We didn't just win a bunch of games -- it was a live action highlight reel every time our offense took the field. That's what I want back. That feeling that no matter what the situation, be it 1st and 10 or 3rd and 12, we were going to make a play. Since the rash of injuries, Carson's recovery, and Chad's less-than-stellar numbers, I just haven't had that feeling. And I miss it.

But I digress.

Let's do a little BAD NEWS / GOOD NEWS, shall we?

The Bad News

• Atlanta has the number one ranked rushing offense (222.2 YPG on the ground) and we have the 25th ranked rushing defense (allowing 127 YPG). That would be what we call a gross mismatch. I am scared out of my little cotton panties of Michael Vick's legs. We don't have a player on the field that can match up to him if he decides to take off, so Marvin and Mr. Bresnahan best have some tricks up their sleeves. The word around the internet is that we're going to try to shut down the run to force Vick to throw. I'll believe it when I see it.


• Warrick Dunn is exactly the type of RB that gives us headaches. In my completely non-factually based estimate, we've had some success containing power backs, but these little slashy bastards give us tons of trouble. Dunn is the poster boy for little slashy bastards. Let's hope that a presumably healthier Dexter Jackson can prevent Dunn from breaking a huge run.


• We only have three healthy wide receivers. Granted, they're probably the best three receivers (playing on the same team) in the league, but we all know how much Mr. Bratkowski likes his four receiver sets. Hopefully he'll take a cue from ol' WhoDave and line Chris Perry up in these situations. But now that Tab Perry and Antonio Chatman are on the IR, I have to wonder if three WRs are going to be enough down the stretch. Hopefully we'll get Kelley Washington back sooner rather than later.

The Good News

• Atlanta is down two O Linemen and two D Linemen. A couple of them are probable, but with our shoddy pass protection and our shoddy D Line, every little bit helps. I actually thought that our O Line did a great job last week, and here's to hoping they can do it again.


• Chad is on the cover of the new Sports Illustrated. Curse, shmurse. We all know Chad steps it up when he's in the spotlight, and I have a feeling the Chad of old will re-emerge on Sunday.


• Our Pass D. Vick sure had a great game last week, but I think the Bengals will do a fine job of limiting the Atlanta passing game. With Dexter Jackson back in effect (presumably healthier than he was last week), I like our chances of pulling down a pick or two.


• Chris Henry. TJ Houshmanzadeh. Chad Johnson. All healthy and ready to pick apart a second-rate secondary. Is this the game where Carson finally shows his 2005 form? Me thinky so. Let's make a conservative estimate: 31-39 passing for 465 yards and four TDs. That sounds about right.


• With the Ravens playing an away game against the red-hot Saints, I really like our chances for claiming the #1 spot in the AFC North this weekend.

Cincinnati Bengals. That's the team I'm gonna cheer to victory.

Who Dey think gonna beat them Bengals?

Thursday Notes

A lot going on with the Bengals this week, so let's just dive right in.

Chris Henry Will Probably Start on Sunday
This is a good thing, no two ways about it. You can hem and haw about how Marvin needs to send Henry a message, or something like that, but the bottom line is that we need Chris Henry for this offense to be fully operational. Yeah yeah, he's a thug and an idiot, but he's also 6'4", runs a 4.4 40, and can catch a pass in traffic. I don't care if he's a sociopath. Homeboy can play.

Chad is at it Again
Chad's been the Cincinnati media's darling this week, speaking very loudly about how much damage he's gonna inflict on the Falcons' CB DeAngelo Hall. Almost every time I can remember that Chad's flapped his gums before a big game, he's come through with big stats to back it up. Still, the devil's advocate in me is saying that he hasn't earned the right to talk shit yet this year. We all know how many defenders he attracts, thus opening the game up for the rest of our offense, but still. Did anyone think he'd only have one touchdown going into week 8? I truly hope Chad's self-analysis is correct, and that he needs to talk the shit in order to pump himself up for the game. But DeAngelo Hall is no slouch, folks.

Dude, Willie Anderson Owns a Fatburger Franchise
And I, for one, think that is great. Supposedly the loser of the Chad/DeAngelo matchup on Sunday has to work a shift at Willie's Fatburger. Now this is a story I'm going to be following. But aren't the results of the matchup kind of subjective? What's considered a victory / loss? Guess we'll find out.

The Return of P-Dub
Well, not quite yet, but it's still a definite possibility. Count me among the people who were stoked when the Bengals drafted Warrick, followed by four years of disappointment. Yes, injuries hurt his stats, yes, he had Akili Smith throwing passes to him. But I still would rather see Chris Perry line up as that fourth receiver. Why? He's already proven he's a baller. Warrick had a fantastic college career, but I don't think he's proven he's got what it takes to play in the NFL. Just my two cents.

Stay Tuned
More to come tomorrow, with a preview of the Bengals / Falcons game, which can't possibly be more boring that last week's game, right?

Who Dey!

Nothing is Finer Than Beating Carolina - Good Guys Win 17-14

In front of a sell-out crowd at Paul Brown Stadium, the Bengals narrowly defeated the Carolina Panthers on Sunday, snapping a two game losing streak.

This was a nerve wracking game.

The Bengals' offense didn't really show up in the first half, going 3 and out for their first four possessions. It was painful to watch mostly because the Bengals' D was definitely holding up their end of the bargain.

Since I'm not really the overall analysis type, lets just get to the good and the bad:

THE GOOD

• The Bengals finally used their tight ends as receivers this game, and it caught everyone off guard. Kelly and Stewart might not be the speediest guys in the league, or have the best hands, but they really got it done on Sunday. Combined, these two racked up five catches for 67 yards and were instrumental in a few big first downs. We've been wondering how the Bengals would disrupt the passing defense without Chris Henry, and yesterday the boys upstairs delivered.


• Speaking of helping out the passing game, how about that Chris Perry? Only four yards on the ground, but he added 3 catches for 26 very important yards in the air. I missed Chris Perry, and it's great to see him back. Those (including myself) who have been doubting the Bengals offensive prowess are reminded that we've been without a few key weapons the past few weeks. Yesterday, we got one of those weapons back.


• The Defense. These guys played a great game. A special tip of the hat to rookie linebacker Ahmad Brooks, who came through again this week with a sack and 5 tackles. That's one of the funny things about injuries: a guy who normally wouldn't get to start gets a chance to prove himself, and Mr. Brooks did just that. For the first time all season, the Bengals had constant, steady pressure on the quarterback (helped out, no doubt, but an insane number of blitzes). Madieu, Kaesviharn, and Jonathan Joesph all looked great and all contributed to this win.


• The 4th and 1 play. Not much left to say that hasn't already been said six times this morning by other, more talented writers, but DAMN. As Kirkendall said over at Cincy Jungle, "if this play doesn't work, Bengals offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski would be kindly regarded as the worst coordinator in NFL history." And he is absolutely right. But it did work, and the exciting, don't-blink-or-you-might-miss-it Bengals offense we've all missed lately came storming back into position. Welcome back, you bad motherfuckers. I missed you.


• Dexter Jackson is back. Although he didn't have any game-breaking plays, his presence on the field means a lot, and I felt much more comfortable knowing he was there to pick up any broken tackles by Tory James.


• Kudos to a banged up offensive line for coming through. Made some good holes for Rudi, gave Palmer more time to work his mojo. After giving up 639 sacks the past two games, they only gave up two yesterday. Huzzah to them.

THE BAD

• If Kaesviharn doesn't get that interception, and Keyshawn pulls in the pass for a touchdown, it's a whole different story. Our defense played incredibly yesterday, and I wish that our offense would have shown up earlier. This game could have been over by half time if Palmer and co. could convert a single first down in their first four possessions. That's just not good football.


• I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Tory James should not be our starting CB. Joseph has proven he's ready to start, and if Tory keeps blowing coverage, I think I'll get my wish sooner rather than later.


• You know, I'm just too happy to gloat on the Bengals' problems right now. I was ridiculously worried at halftime, but the boys in orange came through for the win. Rather than nitpick any more today, I'm going to savor this victory. Maybe I'll rag on them later.

WHO DEY!

I Am a Total Loser -- But Check out These Awesome Pics of my Cat

WhoDave's mom really came through last weekend -- my cat Piggy is now the proud owner of a Bengals neckerchief, and I think it's rad. But don't take my word for it:But wait! There's more!
Even Piggy knows that Tory James can't tackle worth a damn. Don't fret, Tory. The Notorious P.I.G. has got your back.

Tab Perry is Done

Tab Perry was placed on the IR list today, meaning he is done for the season.

I'm bummed out about this development, but what can you do? I just wish I had more faith in Antonio Chatman, who hasn't shown me much this year.

But now that Chris Perry is back, you think they'll use him on KR and PR?

Bengals / Panthers Preview

The tables have finally turned, and I think that's a good thing.

While the Bengals are still a three point favorite in Vegas, nearly every sports website I could find picked the Panthers to win this one, and I couldn't be happier. We are the underdog once again.

I suppose the question as to why the Bengals play better when people have counted them out is a good one, but one I don't have the answer to. But it seems that way, doesn't it?

Ok, enough with the broad generalizations. Let's get down to brass tacks:

WHAT WE NEED TO DO:

• Work on the short passing routes. As much as I like Chad Johnson, I gotta disagree with him. All week long he's been complaining that the long balls haven't been coming, and that's why we've lost two in a row. While he has an interesting point, I'd counter that with all the pressure Palmer's had to endure, we really need to work on our short routes. With Julius Peppers in town and a rookie starting at LT, #9 is gonna need to get rid of that ball in a hurry. Chris Perry should help this game plan as long as he can show some of the flashes of brilliance that made him so fun to watch last year.


• For the love of god, contain the running game. It's not remotely fun to bring this up every week, but if we don't learn to contain the goddamn run, we are not gonna win a lot of football games. Nuff said.


• Rudi on the counter. This used to be our go-to running play, but I haven't seen it that much this year. Rudi is a great power back, but running him straight up the gut every time didn't seem to do the trick last week against Tampa Bay. I know he's not the speediest guy on the field, but he does have some moves. I'd like to see Bratkowski call some more interesting plays this week, especially when it comes to #32.


• Double team Steve Smith for the entire game. Count me amongst the few that weren't that disappointed by Tory James' injury last week. I like the guy, I like his interceptions, but homeboy cannot cover a WR to save his life. This means that our two starting CB will be Deltha O'Neal and Jonathan "My Main Man" Joseph. Color me excited.


• Brat needs to step it up. Better playcalling. More diversions. More play action passes. More TRICKERY, damn it. Our offense has become very predictable, to the point where I can call, with about 80% accuracy, whether our next play will be a run or a pass (and even long or short pass). And I'm a complete idiot. Remember last week when it was 3rd and about 7, and Palmer snapped the ball and threw a quick screen pass to #85, who immediately juked his CB and ran for a first down? That was awesome, Brat! More like that, bro!


• More than anything, the Bengals need to listen to the sportswriters of this country, who have basically given up on them. Listen to them say you're overrated. Listen to them talk about how lousy our defense is. Listen to all this foo foo nonsense and channel it into a laser beam. Then use that laser beam to burn holes in Carolina . . . um . . . and blast them with your phasers . . . Goddamnit. I did it again.

WHO DEY?

Criminal Update

According the Cincinnati Enquirer, Chris "Dope Game" Henry's court date for his DUI arrest has been pushed to Nov. 27th. This delay effectively gives Chris a window to actually play games before he is inevitably suspended AGAIN for his illicit activities.

Pussy Ass NFL Sides with Carey

Big shocker here, folks: on the weekly NFL Network program where Mike Pereira defends (to a fault) his referrees, he maintained that Mike Carey made the right call on the controversial roughing the passer penalty.

I've watched this segment a few times, and I find it pretty interesting. A lot of calls I think are terrible actually stand up pretty well under scrutiny. Of course, that wasn't the case here, as the replay clearly showed that Justin Smith's shoulder hit the ground before Gradkowski's head.

So what was Pereira's response? That the official didn't have the luxury of a replay. For those who don't speak bullshit, here's the translation: "Yeah, ok, fine. He blew the call. But there's not a damn thing to do about it, so shut up."

Let me state here that I think Mike Carey is one of the best officials in the game. He gets it right most of the time, and when he has to make an unpopular call, he usually takes the extra time to explain to the crowd why he's fucking over their team. Not five minutes before the roughing call I remarked to my step brother how much I liked Carey, even though he'd been tagging our boys all day long for stupid shit. But the problem isn't Mike Carey. He made the call he though was right at the time. And given a split second to react, I'm not sure I would've done a better job.

But why can't penalties be challenged? Especially when one blown call can change the outcome of the game? The NFL, as an organization, is like a stubborn old man. It refuses to accept innovation, it constantly challenges any attempts to bring the itself into the 21st century, and it often shits its own pants. Which is why it walks so funny. Ok, I'm lost again.

My point is this: There were two blown calls late in the game. One of them was not calling WR Michael Clayton's late 4th quarter catch a touchdown. One review later: TD TB. If this play wasn't reviewed, the Bengals quite possibly would have won the game. The other blown call was the roughing the passer call on Smith. Non-reviewable, although just as egregious as the Clayton call. And it may have cost the Bengals the game.

And that sucks and we just have to deal with it.

Sigh.

The Questionable Call

I'll let you guys be the judge on this one:

Evil Triumphs; Good Guys Lose 14-13

Well, that sucked.

The Bengals lost in devastating fashion to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Sunday, making it two losses in a row for a banged up Cincinnati team.

As promised, I watched this game at a sports bar in Santa Barbara, where I was surprised to find at least seven other Bengals fans. Alas, all our screaming and drunken revelry was for naught.

What happened?

The Scary Truth

• The Bengals offensive line looked shakey as hell in the first half. The result was that Rudi couldn't get it going, Palmer never seemed comfortable, and the Bengals struggled to get points on the board.


• With the loss of Brian Simmons, the Bengals defensive looked positively brutal against Cadillac Williams and even rookie QB Bruce Gradkowski. Our linebacker corps was already hurting, and the loss of Simmons is just too much. Every time Cadillac got the ball, he ran for a huge gain. Despite all this, we forced two early punts, but we weren't able to capitalize.


• With our crippled defense, the games aren't going to get any easier.


• Late in the fourth quarter, with the Bengals holding onto a six point lead, Justin Smith sacked Gradkowski for a definite loss and a possible fumble . . . only to see a roughing the passer call. On a sack. Yes, I'm serious. It was one of the top five worst calls I've seen in a long time, but I guess that's football. This call was the final straw, and Cincinnati couldn't rebound from it. Once this call was made, I knew the game was probably over. And, in fact, it was.


• MORE FUCKING INJURIES. Levi Jones. Tori James. Brian Simmons. This is starting to get really, really ugly.

The Silver Lining

• Chad and TJ combined for over 200 receiving yards. Granted, it was during a loss, but it's still a step in the right direction.


• Rudi was moving and shaking - in the second half. I believe that Marvin switched the O line around for the second half (putting Ghiachic back at center) and it seemed to work. Rudi ripped off a few good runs there to start the 3rd. Too bad it couldn't have been more effective.


• TJ Houshmanzadeh is incredible. He may have some of the best hands in the league, and I can't think of anyone who catches a pass in traffic better that #84. Congrats on him for a great game.


• This wasn't a division game, and it wasn't a conference game. It sucks that we lost, but if you have to lose one, blah blah blah.

I'm still in shock over this loss, and it's gonna take me a few days to digest it all. Let's look ahead to Carolina and put this ugly loss behind us, ok?

Who Dey.

Bengals / Buccaneers Preview

Ok, Bengals fans, we're coming off our sole bye week of the season, and we've got a very beatable foe on tap for Sunday: the 0-4 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Bucs have a one dimensional offense, a lackluster defense, and they haven't won a game yet this year. Sounds like a gimme, right?

Not so fast, big guy. A few posts back, right before the Cleveland game, I wrote something to the effect that now that the Bengals were a legitimate team, I didn't get the same butterflies in my stomach before a "gimme game" like I used to a few years ago. Well, that zen-like calm has gone out the window since the pummeling we received at the hands of the New England Patriots.

Granted, the Bucs are no Patriots, and Bruce Gradkowski sure ain't no Tom Brady. So why am I nervous? A few reasons, actually:

1. Cadillac Williams. Yeah, yeah, I know what they're saying. He was a flash in the pan for the first half of last season, he only has one 100+ rushing game so far this season, blah blah blah. I don't care. Any time there is a quality running back on the field against the Bengals, we all have reason to worry. Tampa Bay's offensive line isn't the best, but they do have a pair of big ass tackles in Anthony Davis (6'4" 329 lbs.) and Jeremy "Jesus Fucking Christ This Guy is Big" Trueblood (6'8" 318 lbs.). Thems some big boys. Of course, as my girlfriend likes to say, size doesn't matter, but if the Bucs can establish a running game early, we could be in for another 200+ yard day against the Bengals' shakey run D.


2. Kevin Kaesviharn. All indications are that Dexter Jackson isn't gonna start, so we're stuck with Keanu's Stunt Double again this week. Yet another reason to fear TB's running game.


3. The Center Situation. According to Bengals.com, Eric Steinbach is going to slide over and play center for the TB game, while rookie Andrew Whitworth will start in Steinbach's normal LG position. I don't think the O Line situation could get worse than it already is (or was two weeks ago, anyways), but tinkering with the O Line is always a tricky process. Like all of you, I am sick and tired of watching Carson get blindsided 6-7 times a game. Let's hope our line of monsters can protect him against a mediocre-at-best TB D Line.

On the offensive side of the coin, I think the Bengals won't have too much trouble putting up 20-30 points on the suspect TB defense. I'd love to see Marvin and Bob Bratkowski cram Rudi down the Bucs' throats for most of this game, as I don't think they have much to stop him, especially with Simeon Rice out for the game with a bum shoulder.

I'm heading to Santa Barbara for the weekend for a big fiesta, so I'm gonna have to be that guy at the sports bar at 10:00 in the morning, pounding beers and screaming as the alcoholics next to me shake their heads and mutter thinly-veiled death threats. Whatever.

Who DEY?!

Friday Notes

Before we get to the preview, there were some interesting tidbits on Bengals.com today that I think warrant mentioning.

To Wit:

Sam Adams Will Need Arthroscopic Knee Surgery
He claims that it can wait til the end of the year, but this is bad. Because of the injury he's only practicing on Friday, which would explain why he really hasn't been a factor in the Bengals' D so far this year.

Count me among those who were very excited about the Adams signing, but it's looking like it might have been a bust. He talked a big game about how great he's going to be on Sunday, and I guess I'll believe it when I see it. But why can't the Bengals put together a good defensive line? Someone shine some light on this for me.

Chris Perry to Return Against Carolina
Good news, but I've really been so-so on Chris Perry's Bengals career. Yes, when he's healthy he adds a new dimension to our offense, but as the bengals' site mentions, he's sat out more games (20) than he's played (16). This guy's becoming the Ken Griffey Jr. of the team, in that everytime I see him involved in a play, I'm expecting him to go down, clutching that ankle. Not a good feeling to have about your #2 RB.

Dexter and Rashad Unlikely to Play Sunday
This based on the fact that neither one of them practiced yesterday. Mr. Dexter "George W." Jackson is supposedly a game time decision, but I got a feeling we won't see him in action against Tampa Bay. Honestly, I'd much rather have him sit out this game and get fully recovered for the Panthers.

That's all for now, I'll be back later with a preview of Sunday's matchup.

Oh, and I'd like to send a special "FUCK YOU!" to the guy I sold my old car to. Apparently, the DMV didn't get the paperwork I sent them, so now the $1100 towing bill he racked up a week after I sold him the car is going on my credit report. So seriously, you fucking douche bag, I hope you rot in hell.

Wow, I feel so much better now.

Kudos to The Olde 320 Pub

For finding this gem, which I hadn't seen until my man Clint posted it on his blog.

This is one of the best things ever:

Jackson, Jeanty Questionable

According to Bengals.com, SS Dexter Jackson and LB Rashad Jeanty are both listed as questionable for Sunday's game against Tampa Bay. Jackson said it will be a game time decision.

Dexter, channeling a little George W. Bush, also had a few interesting words regarding the Bucs:

“Look at them now,” Jackson said. “The puzzle that was the main piece of the jigsaw puzzle, it wasn’t really that part. It was other pieces that are missing and now they see that.”

Bravo, Mr. Jackson.

Henry Suspended Only Two Games - Vows to Break Odell Thurman's Record by End of Season

Jesus F. Christ am I sick of this story.

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Chris Henry was suspended for two games by the NFL for violations of the league's drug policy and its personal conduct policy.

So much has been written about the Bengals' apparent personality problems that I don't feel the need to delve into it further.

We all know that Henry can show some occasional brilliance on the football field, but is it worth it? Let me put it this way: if you were running the Bengals, and someone offered you a middle to lower tier WR right now for him, would you take the deal? Yeah, me too.

Nuff said.

Friday Night Deja Vu

So I caught the encore presentation of the new FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS show last night. Gotta say, I am just not that impressed with this show. Don't get me wrong - I love a sports movie / TV show as much as the next guy. I loved INVINCIBLE, I always get caught up when REMEMBER THE TITANS comes on TV, and I can recite the scripts for MAJOR LEAGUE and SLAP SHOT almost verbatim.

So what's so terrible about FNL?

Well, nothing really. It's a fairly well written show about high school football. Pretty good cast. Decent football scenes. So what's my beef? Well, to be honest, I liked this a lot better the first time when it was a movie called FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS. Oh, and I liked that better the first time when it was a book called FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS.

Seriously, how much juice can they squeeze out of this thing?

Granted, the new TV show, unlike the book/movie, takes place during present day. And they managed to score a few young hotties to play the players' girlfriends. And extra kudos to the casting director for casting my main man Jesse Plemons (last seen thwarting Crispin Glover's evil plans in LIKE MIKE). But is that enough to warrant a show based on a movie based on a book?

As far as the content, the pilot episode was pretty boring. For 45 minutes, we get the following message stamped into our brain over and over: Texas loves high school football. The new coach is under a lot of pressure. The backup quarterback sucks. So you can imagine my lack of surprise when they play the big game and sure enough, down goes the starting quarterback. So then the lovable but not-so-talented backup goes in and . . . wait for it . . . WINS THE BIG GAME!

Hooray, make merry, and all that shit.

Ok, maybe I'm being a little picky here, but I feel like TV execs aren't earning their paycheck these days. If you're going to tell this story for the third time, can we at least introduce some cool new elements? Vampires? A male-prostitute ring? A wacky transsexual mix up? Throw me a bone you derivative bastards.

Reflecting on the Pain

Ok, so two days is a decent amount of time to take the sting out of a brutal loss like we had on Sunday. Or it should be. But I think the reason this loss still leaves a bad taste in our collective mouth is not just because we lost. Nay, it is because we got our asses handed to us on national television. That one always stings.

But not just that. Compound it with the fact that for two weeks in a row, our weaknesses have been broadcast to the league. We can't stop the run. We can't protect our quarterback. We can't stop getting arrested.

But I've always had faith in Marvin, and I should have faith in him now.

Nevetheless, my thoughts:

Our Defense Kind of Sucks Right Now
There, I said it. You've been thinking it, and I went ahead and said it. This is basically the same team as last year with an extra 350 pound has-been in the middle of the line. David Pollack never did that much for me, but Odell Thurman was an absolute stud last year. Yet because of his off the field bullshit, he's done for the year. What are we left with? Well, we had a shiny new CFL player, but now he's bruised up also. Ok, so we're left with one of the worst D lines in the NFL, an aging CB who can't keep up with 75% of the wideouts in the league, and a SS who moonlights as a stunt double for Keanu Reaves.

Worried? You bet your ass I am.

The obvious question is this: Can they play better? I'd like to hope so. So then the other question comes: How, pray tell, do they do that, dummy?

You do something drastic. Something sweeping. I'm speaking, of course, of switching to the 3-4 defense.

Now granted, this plan would've worked a lot better when we had talented, fast linebackers bulging from our pockets. But can it get any worse than giving up 236 rushing yards? Thinking back to Sunday's game, I don't remember the Patriots running it that much between the tackles, but they had a field day running it outside. Since our D line isn't going to pressure anyone because of their inherent suckitude, why not trade one of them straight up for an extra linebacker?

Just a thought, Marvin. Email me if you want to hash out the details.

Our Offensive Line Kind of Sucks Right Now
Another one from the Mr. Obvious department. I still can't believe that Rich Braham meant that much to this line. Palmer was so effective last year because we gave him the time to work his magic. But Palmer can't be any better than Aaron Brooks if you don't give him time to throw the goddamn ball.

Unfortunately, there's no quick fix for this one. Reports are saying Braham may have a broken foot, and thus not be coming back for some time. So my boy Eric Ghiaciuc had better step up to the mic.

This Bye Week Couldn't Have Come at a Better Time
A week of reflection of things that could have been. I had a feeling we were taking the Patriots too lightly, but I don't think Marvin and co. will make the same mistake again. Nothing sucks worse than losing at home. The Patriots did the football equivalent of pulling down the Bengals pants in front of our mom. How embarrassing? Very embarrassing. The kind of embarrassing that kind of lingers for a few years. But mom is strong, and I think she can deal with it. Ok, I lost myself on that one.

Obviously, we have to mix it up for our next game against the Bucs. Some trick plays would be nice. I wouldn't mind seeing the old Statue of Liberty play we used to bust out at the playground, Marv. Surprise me. Enthrall me. Just win the damned games, ok?

Seriously, Michael Lewis Rocks
His book, The Blind Side, officially came out yesterday, and it would behoove us as a society to go pick this one up. Just a great read. Like all his books, this one sounds boring on the surface, but once you get a few pages in, I double dog dare you to try not to finish the thing in one day. Yes, it's that good.

As always, WHO DEY?

Well That Sucked

Good guys lose 38-13.

I hate to say it, but the Bengals were simply outclassed in Sunday's game. The Patriots did everything right that the Steelers did last week, without making the same mistakes.

The Bengals gave up four big sacks and 236 rushing yards. 236! The Bengals could not get any tackles in the open field. Every time we needed Palmer to throw for a big first down, the offensive line broke down and gave up a blind-side sack. Just an ugly, ugly game if you're a Bengals' fan.

Game Thoughts:

• Man oh man, do we need Richie Braham back. You wouldn't think one center could have as much of an impact on offense as he does, but without big Richie in the center of the line, our O line just couldn't provide Carson with adequate protection.


• Man oh man, do we need Dexter Jackson back. Kaesviharn seems like a good guy and all, but my man couldn't tackle my little sister if you pumped him full of PCP and told him she was the devil out to claim his soul. Stopping the run was supposed to be the defense's mantra this year, but it just ain't happening. I really hope he comes back after the bye week.


• Belichick is a great coach. He obviously did his homework on this one, and he hit the Bengals right where it hurt. It makes you think: when a team has as many transparent weaknesses as the Bengals do, how far into the playoffs can we really go?


• Tory James is an out-and-out liability on defense. Yes, he had that first quarter interception, but it didn't make up for all the times his receiver beat him. Marvin should start thinking about Jonathan Joseph more and more. Tory's wheels just ain't what they used to be.


• I thought Phil Simms was gonna cry after Kaesviharn laid that nasty hit on whats-his-spank. Yes, it was a brutal hit, but was it any worse than the one laid on Chad by the Browns two weeks ago? I'm sure the refs were trying to be a bit more proactive against rough tackles after the whole spleen thing, but isn't this football? Rub some dirt in it, you pussy.


• The more I think about this game, the more I just want to forget it. The Patriots showed the world how to beat the Bengals, and if Marvin and co. are worth their salt, they'll come up with something big during the bye week, or else this may turn into a long, long sesaon.

Bengals / Patriots Preview

I gotta admit, I'm a little scared about this game.

Not just because this Patriots team has won three Super Bowls.

Not just because Corey Dillon still has a bone to pick with the city of Cincinnati.

And not just because this week has been a love fest between these two teams in the media.

I'm really scared because I think the Patriots offense, more than any other we've faced, is designed to exploit the weaknesses of our defense.

As we all know, the Bengals are short a few linebackers this week. While we have a good secondary to defend the wideouts, I'm scared that our depleted LB corps won't be able to cover the Patriots' two very good tight ends, Daniel Graham and Ben Watson. Brady is preternaturally good and making solid short passes to these two, and I can only hope that Simmons, Miller, and Kaesviharn can cover these two enough to force some 3rd and outs.

Other Things of Note

• Even espn.com is calling out Tory James now: "Brady would be wise to target CB Tory James, who allows too many big plays. " I re-watched last Sunday's game against the Steelers last night, and Tory definitely lived up to this description. I'm really pleased with the development of Jonathan Joseph, because I don't think Tory has a lot left in the tank.


• Our O line has to protect Carson better than they did last week. For some reason, the 3-4 always gives us headaches, and Belichick is bringing a good one to Paul Brown Stadium. Levi Jones hasn't shown great mobility, and Willie Anderson blew a couple assignments last week. We really need a great game out of our supposedly top-notch offensive line.


• If we can get Rudi going early, Carson should embarrass the Patriots' secondary. I expect Mr. Palmer to throw in the neighborhood of 325 yards on Sunday.


• My mom's going to be at the game on Sunday, so if you see a pretty white lady at Paul Brown, tell her I said hi.


• This should be a fun, high scoring game. Here's to hoping that Brady flips out again like he did last week. Did anyone see that game against Denver? Funny stuff. After a controversial call, they showed Brady on the sidelines, just fuming. So he starts jawing at the ref, and just as the words "What the F-" are coming out his mouth, NBC does a star wipe and they cut away to a replay. See, NBA? You can anticipate obviously-mouthed bad words and cut away. Not only does it keep your sponsors happy, it's also fun to the play the "which expletive comes next" game with your friends.


• I cannot stress how awesome it will be to go into our bye week undefeated. But it ain't gonna be easy. We knew at the beginning of the season how tough our schedule was going to be this year, but we've risen to the occasion every Sunday thus far. Let's put another W on the board and focus on embarrassing the Bucs in week six.

WHO DEY?

Thursday Musings

Sorry for the lack of posts this week (to both of you who actually read this blog). I have no excuse, save that I am an incredibly flakey individual, prone to completely spacing out for weeks on end.

But you probably already knew that.

Regardless, it's been a pretty adventure-filled week.

To Wit:

Odell is Done

Can't say I'm very surprised by this development, but that doesn't take the sting out of it. I was really looking forward to getting Odell back in uniform. With the injuries we've had on defense, we desperately needed a young, healthy body to step up after game four, but now we got jack shit.

I'm really hoping Dexter Jackson comes back soon. Brian Simmons has done a great job filling in at ILB, but I can only imagine how much better our D would have been if we had him and Odell at linebacker. Alas, it was not to be.

Now I've read probably as many posts / blogs / articles as you have about how the Bengals' off-the-field antics are troublesome, and I agree with a lot of what has been said. People often make comparisons to the late 90s / early 00s (pronounced "aughts," you philistine) Portland Trailblazers team, featuring such personality All-Stars as JR Rider, Zach Randolph, and Bonzi Wells.

However, I think our team differs from the Portland "Aptly Named" Blazers team in one key area: The Bengals win games. The Blazers, with a few exceptions, did not do so (or at least not consistently). So the argument these same writers keep putting forth is that all of these "personality issues" will eventually catch up to the Bengals. And the scary thing is that they might have a point.

To add to the Odell problem, LB Rashad Jeanty has now been downgraded to doubtful for Sunday's game. Who will take his slot? Why, none other than the player considered by most football analysts as the most troublesome player in last year's draft, Mr. Ahmad Brooks. If Ahmad can just not stab anyone or show off his gat to underage girls between now and Sunday, we'll be good to go. Cross those fingers, gang.

The Pats and the Bengals Need to Stop Making Out in Front of the Media

Seriously? This is getting tiresome. All I've heard all week is how much Belichick likes Chad Johnson, how much Carson Palmer admires the Patriots, how much Marvin admires Tom Brady, blah blah blah.

I've been out of it a bit lately, but when did Cotex decide to sponsor this game?

These guys are the ENEMY. They are potentially the team that is standing between us and the Super Bowl, and we spend all week talking them up like we're trying to set them up on a blind date? Completely lame. Call me old fashioned, but I don't think a healthy mutual respect is a good mindset to have enterting a big football game.

Shaun Alexander is Done

Bummer, but also a good time to point out that Ladanian Tomlinson is, without a doubt, the most dependable RB in the league, and has been for the past 3 years, but still no one takes him with the first pick in a fantasy draft. Weird.

Michael Lewis is, at the Very Least, a Demi-God

For those who don't know his work, Mr. Lewis is the man who penned the sensational baseball book Moneyball, as well as a few other non-fiction books. His latest, entitled The Blind Side, is all about football, and more specifically, how the position of Left Tackle has evolved into one of the most important positions on the field, as well as the most lucrative.

Because I'm more plugged in than Granny's oxygen supply, I got a copy of the book early (it comes out October 3rd), and I'm completely wrapped up in it. Just a fantastic look at football from multiple perspectives. If you enjoyed Moneyball or Friday Night Lights, you will love this book.

Cincy Jungle is Fantastic

I can't imagine that anyone reading my shitty blog hasn't already stumbled upon Cincy Jungle, but if you haven't, go on over and tell them Who Dave sent you. Josh runs a ridiculously awesome site, and has tons of great analysis of all things Bengals. Since I'm too stupid to figure out how to post a link inside the text, just go ahead and click the link to the right.

More to Come

I'll be back tomorrow for a rundown of the Bengals / Pats testosterone-free contest on Sunday, as well as a look around the league for what we can expect on Sunday.

Until then, as always, WHO DEY?!

Good Triumphs Over Evil - Good Guys Win 28-20

What a game.

Not just the obvious, mind you. The turnovers, the money catches by TJ "Guess Who's Back" Houshmanzadeh, the incredible fumble on special teams.

But we also won despite the fact that we didn't exactly bring our "A" game. Carson threw two interceptions, and fumbled the ball THREE times. Add to that the fact that he was sacked six times, and I think that this Bengals victory was a huge statement.

The statement said "We are the best team in the league. Even when we aren't 100%, we're gonna win important games."

And win they did.

Here's the breakdown of the game:

THE GOOD

• After throwing two first quarter interceptions, Palmer caught fire. Four TDs, two to Henry, two to Housh. Even though he didn't have adequate protection for most of the game, Palmer (mostly) kept his poise.


• Speaking of which, welcome back Mr. Houshmanzadeh. Coming off a heel injury, TJ had 9 catches for 94 yards and 2 TDs. Just a great game. He is undoubtedly the best number two receiver in the league, and yesterday he showed us why. His first touchdown catch was incredible.


• Our secondary shut down the Steelers' passing game. Three interceptions and a few huge batted balls. Despite the fact that Dexter Jackson was out, the secondary came up big. I'm really impressed by the play of Jonathan Joseph. I expect big things out of this guy.


• We won the turnover battle 5-3. Three interceptions by Big Ben, two lost fumbles. Our defense still might not be able to stop the run, but we sure can get the ball back for our offense.


• We won in Pittsburgh. Since the away team has won each of the last four contests between these two teams, this isn't much of a surprise. Still, it was so gratifying to take the wind out of the Steelers' sails in front of their home crowd.


• Kenny Watson, who for a long time has been an enigma to me, came up big on several plays. He did a pretty good job returning kicks in the stead of an injured Tab Perry, too. But that play where Carson fumbled on 3rd and long, then Watson scooped up the ball and ran for a first down, was awesome. Key play from a guy that nobody really wanted on this team. Great job, Kenny.


• We now share first place in the AFC North with Baltimore, a team I think we can beat handily.

THE BAD

• The Bengals D gave up 170 yards on the ground and two rushing TDs. After shutting down Larry Johnson and Reuben Droughns, this was a tough pill to swallow. Obviously, the loss of Dexter Jackson and David Pollack had a lot to do with this, but we really need to work on the rushing D (big shocker there).


• Chad Johnson had one catch for 11 yards. You could tell he was frustrated, but at the same time, when a defense focuses on shutting down Chad, that opens up the passing game for Chris Henry and TJ. While I'm bummed that Chad didn't get the ball that much, I hope he understands that it was a key to our victory.


• We barely got any pressure on Ben from our front four. Everyone knows the Bengals' D Line isn't great, but they really looked lousy yesterday against a superior Steelers' O Line.


• Our linebackers didn't look much better. Without Odell Thurman OR David Pollack, we were missing some key players inside. Hopefully Odell's latest DUI arrest won't make him miss any more games, cause we desperately need him back.

Overall, we got what we needed: A division win against the reigning Super Bowl champs, who are now 1-2. Congrats to Marvin and the boys for winning this slugfest.

Bring on the Pats.

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

We have a metric shit ton of good games this Sunday, culminating, of course, with the Steelers / Bengals. And for once, the game is being televised on normal TV out here in Los Angeles. I have to admit, I'm equal parts excited and scared about this game. Why do the Steelers do that to me? Oh yeah, because they killed my quarterback last year. Bastards.

Cue up the stupid CBS animation -- it's time for the Rundown of the Game Points Thing!

BENGALS

• The Bengals need to score more points than the Steelers in this game.


• Preventing the Steelers from scoring points will be a big help


• Score touchdowns and field goals

STEELERS

• The Steelers need to try and reign in their emotions (no more crying Hines)


• Accepting the fact that the Bengals are not only better players, but better fathers as well (looking at you Joey Porter)


• When Big Ben shits the bed, the Steelers need to rally quickly to change the sheets before Cowher finds out and busts out "the belt"

Seriously, I've been reading all these stupid articles about why so-and-so will triumph; why the "key to the game" will be if Spankety Spank can control the Time of Possession; why such-and-such a team is too good to start off 0-3; blah blah blah. Know what I've learned? None of these clowns has the slightest clue what the hell they're talking about.

John Madden might be the most obvious announcer of all time ("If you don't score points, you're not going to win the game."), but he's also the most accurate. For all his head-scratching, Mr. Obvious-inspired comments, Big John remains one of the most pragmatic guys in the game. Yeah, it seems too obvious sometimes, but that's because football is a pretty obvious game.

Now I'm just rambling.

Anyhow, here are my picks for this weekend (no spreads - I don't gamble on football):

Carolina over TAMPA BAY

Two teams coming off two weeks of embarrassment. This one could go either way, but Carolina has more ballers on offense than TB.

MINNESOTA over Chicago

Everyone I know picked the Bears to win this one, and I can't help but think that conventional wisdom is dumb. The Vikings have looked pretty good so far this year, and their defense is going to surprise a Bears team that is over-confident after routing two shitty teams (The Packers and the Lions). Rex Grossman has been playing WAY over his head, and this is the game where all the bandwagon-jumper-oners get to eat some crow. Welcome back to reality, Bears fans: your offense still sucks.

DETROIT over Green Bay

No fucking way the Lions lose this game. The Packers aren't quite as bad as the Raiders, but they're pretty close. Best guess is that this is a high scoring game that the Lions win late.

Jacksonville over INDIANAPOLIS

Second verse, same as the first. The Colts have ZERO running game this year, and the Jags have shown they can cover the pass well. I expect a very tight game that the Jags eventually win, causing every sportswriter in America to pencil in Jacksonville for the Super Bowl. Of course, we know that's not going to happen because . . .

Cincinnati over PITTSBURGH

The almighty Cincinnati Bengals are taking the AFC crown this year. No two ways about it. I'm very frightened by this game, especially considering the injuries to our WR corps and the loss of Dexter Jackson. Nevertheless, don't be surprised if the Bengals blow out the Steelers in this game. If we can stop the run, and force Roethlisberger to pass, it's gonna be a long game for the Steelers. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: Ben is a slightly above average QB with a very average receiving corps. If we can contain Willie Parker, we're going 3-0.

NY Jets over BUFFALO

This is the week where the Buffalo hopefuls have their spirits crushed. They have a very solid D, but the Jets are playing good football right now.

TENNESSEE over Miami

The Dolphins suck.

HOUSTON over Washington

So do the Redskins.

CLEVELAND over Baltimore

The Browns were tattooed last week against Cincinnati, but they are going to bounce back and help us get first place to ourselves. Baltimore is not the offensive juggernaut they've been pretending to be. I expect this will be a low-scoring affair, with Cleveland winning narrowly.

SEATTLE over NY Giants

No way the Seahawks lose this game at home. Eli gets banged around a lot in this game, and throws a couple of picks. God I hate those fucking Mannings.

PHILIDELPHIA over San Fran

This is also the week where 49ers fans come back to earth. Alex Smith is showing some good stuff thus far, but not against the Eagles D.

St. Louis over ARIZONA

All my Arizona buddies are WAY too excited about this team. Last I checked, the Cardinals still have Kurt Warner behind center. The Rams are equally mediocre, but they will win handily in AZ.

DENVER over New England

Jake the Snake disappears, and his bearded cyborg clone takes his place this week. Should be one of the better games of the weekend. Meanwhile, a lackluster Pats team gets the beating it so richly deserves.

ATLANTA over New Orleans

The Saints get embarrassed at home. Sad, but true.

Is everyone else as excited as I am? I really gotta feel for my neighbors during the Big Game on Sunday. The walls in my apartment are made of tissue paper and papier mache. Compound that with the fact that my baritone voice carries for about four miles, and you've got yourself one pissed off neighbor. Sorry in advance.

Until then, as always, WHO DEY?