Evil Gets Kicked in the Junk on National TV - Good Guys Win 13-7

Simply wonderful.

The Bengals were dominant tonight, and they absolutely deserved this win.

That flea flicker play made my day, week, and quite possibly my November.

Tune in tomorrow for my thoughts on this wonderful, wonderful game.

Fuck Bryant Gumbel

He had to say "The Bengals now have two shutouts in a row" when there was still two minutes on the clock. Are you kidding me? You mean nobody sat him down and told him the jinx rules of sports before they put him on the air?

His stock just plummetted. I'm taking a bath in these Bryant Gumbels right now.

Bryant Gumbel is Awesome

Ok, it's still early in the fourth quarter, but how funny is it that Bryant Gumbel keeps pronouncing Rashad Jeanty's last name "ZHAN-tee"? He must have seen Jeanty's CFL experience and made some sort of Quebec connection, then figured he could impress Collinsworth with his spot-on accent.

Tonight is the Night

There's a good argument to be made that the success of the Bengals' 2006 campaign hinges on a very important match up against the Ravens tonight. If we could've eked out an extra victory or two earlier in the season, this game wouldn't be as important. Alas, we're sitting on a 6-5 record, and while it's possible to get into the playoffs with an 11-5 mark, 10-6 just ain't cutting it in the AFC these days, and you can forget about 9-7.

Thus, in order to make it to the postseason, the Bengals basically have to run the table against some of the best teams the AFC has to offer. Oh, and the Raiders, but that's a fight for another day. But seriously: Ravens, (raiders), Colts, Broncos, Steelers? That, my friend, is what we call a bitch of a schedule. But my attention is wandering: the only game that is important right now is the one we play tonight.

Despite their very impressive 9-2 record, the Ravens still aren't a complete team by any means. But their top notch defense is so good that when it's firing on all cylinders, it makes the opposition look foolish and grossly mismatched. The good news is the Bengals have one of the best offenses in the game, and I expect them to give the Ravens some headaches.

With a painful 26-20 loss already on the books this season, the Bengals have some experience / game tape to help them prepare for this game.

So why did we lose?

1. Three Cincinnati Turnovers. That's the game right there, gang. Two picks thrown by Palmer, plus a lost fumble, courtesy of Chris Perry on the opening kickoff. That fumble really set a shitty tone for the game, much as the 101-yd. TD return by the Browns (which was overturned) set the tone for that game. That opening drive is so important. Which makes me a bit scared that we don't have any regular starters (or even backups) returning kicks for us.


2. Steve McNair was 6-8 on converting on 3rd down in the first half. He killed us. Usually by throwing to Mark Clayton. We have to start sacking up on 3rd down. Bresnahan has been doing a lousy job of play calling on 3rd down all year, and this needs to be the game where he steps up.

That's pretty much the story of the game. If we win the turnover battle and keep steady pressure on McNair, we should win this one. Remember, even though we turned the ball over three times, we still only lost by six points. Erase even one of those turnovers, and we could've won the game.

Did I mention that Baltimore had one of the easiest schedules in the league? They have won games against two "good" opponents: San Diego (can't take anything away from them there) and Pittsburgh. Granted, they beat two teams that beat us (Atlanta and TB), but I'll insert the usual arguments about how we were robbed in TB. Atlanta -- shit I guess you got me there.

I, for one, am cautiously optimistic about our chances tonight.

WhoDave's official prediction: Bengals 24, Ravens 13.

Who DEY!

Onward to Baltimore - Good Guys Blank the Browns 30 - 0

Ahh, the sweet splendor of victory.

Well, ol' WhoDave's gameplan for yesterday's game hit a bit of a snag when I realized I'd booked my flight for 4:45 pm, thus making it nearly impossible for me to watch the entire game at my bar of choice, O'Bryon's. For those of you Cincinnati faithful who haven't watched a game there, I highly recommend it. Maybe not the biggest bar in Cincy, and maybe it doesn't have the best TVs, food, or even beer selection, but everyone cheers on the big plays, they have some pretty good wings, and when the Bengals (inevitably) win, my good friend Emily, who runs the joint, throws "Another One Bites the Dust" on the jukebox and everybody is drunk and merry.

Nevertheless, I wasn't able to watch the game there, so I had to split it up between the Willie's Sports Bar just across the river and the Outback Steakhouse in Terminal B of the Airport. And after living in Los Angeles for five years, you can't imagine how nice it is to watch Bengals' games with a bar full of Bengals fans. Coming home is nice.

I have a few rules I try to abide by when I go home to Cincy.

To Wit:

1. Eat one of the following at least once a day: Skyline/Gold Star Chili, LaRosa's, White Castle (not local but they don't have them on the west coast), or Montgomery Inn. I typically put on about a pound a day back in the Nati. People always act shocked by the amount of fat people in the midwest, but I'm more puzzled by the amount of thin ones. How's a guy to stay fit when you have sliders available 24 hours a day?
2. Suppress the urge to drive 75 miles per hour down Madison Ave. Ok, if you live in Los Angeles, you typically never need to worry about getting a speeding ticket. Why? Because your speed is dictated by the car in front of you. And there's ALWAYS a car in front of you. So when you see those brief, fleeting openings in traffic, you step on the fucking gas, dig? But the Nati is so damn traffic light, that it takes the entirety of my will to not stomp on the gas pedal like it's a rabid cockroach.
3. Try to Reconnect with my White Trash roots. There is a surprising dearth of white trash in the City of Angels, so whenever possible at home I try to bond with my bretheren. Sometimes this takes the form of an obligatory wad of chewing tobacco; sometimes it's as simple as drinking a twelve pack of Little Kings; other times I actually have to find an abandoned shack, raid the local Wal Mart, and then synthesize methamphetamine for a couple years. It's all about kicking it old school, isn't it?

Before I delve into my typically pedestrian game analysis, I'd like to send a message to all the airports of the United States: Please, if there is any decency in any of you, install Gold Star Chili restaurants in every airport in the country. Please. You have no idea how nice it is to have 45 minutes to kill before a flight and be able to munch down a 3-way and a cheese coney. That Dick Clark's American Bandstand joint in Salt Lake City just doesn't cut it.

But I digress, yet again.

Poor Romeo Crennel has got to be at his wit's end by now, right? The Bengals just dominated the Browns in every aspect of the game. When they had that 101 yard TD return called back, didn't you know it wasn't going to be their game? Nothing deflates a home crowd more than screaming and cheering after a huge play, only to settle into a depressed "awwwww" when the play is brought back. But c'mon, it's not like the Browns faithful aren't used to being disappointed by now, right?

Let's move on to the Good News / Bad News:

THE GOOD NEWS

• I've already said it, but it bears repeating: Chad is back, and he's bad. I don't have much to add to what's already been said, but CJ just set an NFL record for receiving yards in three consecutive games. Congrats and a tip of the hat to Ocho Cinco.
• Kevin Kaesviharn is turning into a stud right before our eyes. Yup, the Safety You Love to Hate is now leading the team in interceptions with six. Not too shabby for a guy that message boards and Cincinnati sports writers alike derided for being a scrub just last year. Ol' WhoDave isn't innocent of this charge, but I have to admit now that he's becoming quite the little gamemaker, and I mean that in the most condescending way possible.
• Tory James had 2 INTs, but I still think he's done. Hmmph.
• Bratkowski called a great game. Once they established the lead, they started milking the clock. If we would've done this two weeks ago against SD, we'd be 7-4 right now. Doesn't that sound nice?
• We've done a good job of building up some momentum for Thursday's home game against Baltimore. Despite their excellent record, I still think the Ravens are overrated, and I think that with the wind at our backs we have a good chance of handing them their third loss of the season.

THE BAD NEWS

• Chris Perry broke his leg. Again. After picking up a good first down. It's really sucks that Perry's been injured so much since his professional career began, but I have to think that this is it for him with this franchise. I think he could've been very good, but he's simply too fragile for the NFL.
• The Ravens embarrassed the Steelers yesterday. We all know the Steelers have been playing some shitty football lately, but this was just ridiculous. 27-0, and Ben was just manhandled. You know you're in trouble as a Steeler's fan when you get stoked when Chaz Batch goes in the game . . .
• The Raven's have won five in a row, so they've got a bit of momentum as well. If the Bengals lose on Thursday, Baltimore clinches the division. We shall NOT let this happen.

All in all, I don't have a lot to complain about this week. The jury is out on whether or not this whole Thursday Night Football thing is gonna work out, but I guess we'll see in three days.

Until then, as always, WHO DEY?

Tragedy Takes a Week Off - Good Guys Win 31-16

Well, it was nice, I'll have to admit that. It was nice not having my Sunday ruined by a Cincinnati loss yesterday, but the naysayer in me can't entirely appreciate this victory. For one, the Ravens continued their streak of good football by getting the better of the Atlanta Falcons. Second, while the Bengals won decidedly in the points department, they also gave up an exorbitant amount of yards.


Let's just skip to the Good / Bad, shall we?


GOOD SHIT

• Two weeks ago, I told Chad to shut his trap until he put up big numbers two weeks in a row. Mr. Johnson, you may now officially continue flapping your gums. In these two weeks, Chad's accumulated 450 yards and five touchdowns. Yes. That's right. In two weeks. "H0ly shit" doesn't even begin to cover it. Welcome back, 85.


• On that same side of the coin, Carson's been much better. He improved a bit last week against the stupid Chargers, and yesterday he really delivered. Someone smarter than me pointed out that he didn't really spread the ball around too much, but who cares? If 85 can get open, you throw him the ball. I think the best sign we have that the offense is turning / turned around is the re-emergence of the Carson-Chad tandem, one of the best in the game.


• As my main man Kirkendall pointed out, the offensive line played a hell of a game yesterday, giving Carson enough time to wreak havoc on the Saints' secondary. Similarly, the defensive line played well also, good enough to contain Bush and McAllister. Kudos, gentlemen.


• Jonathan Joseph played well in the absence of Deltha O'Neal. You know I love Deltha, and JJ has a while to go before he's a legitimate NFL calibre CB, but he's making some strides.


• How about those white defensive backs! KAESVIHARN! KILMER! IT'S THE CINCINNATI BENGALS ON CBS! (apologies to Mr. Simmons for stealing his shtick).


• The dumb Colts lost! There is a god, and he is not a Peyton Manning fan.

BAD NEWS

• Yeah, yeah. We won the game. But that doesn't mean we can just write off yesterday's game in the "W" column and not think about it again. Primarily because . . .


• Drew Brees had Five. Hundred. Yards. Passing. Seriously.


• The quarterback sneak call in the redzone -- yikes. Alright, I know that a lot of the game of football is keeping your opponent guessing, but c'mon, gang. The only thing the Saints' were guessing after that SNAFU was whether or not the Bengals were trying to throw the game. I'll take Sam Adams against Carson Palmer in a foot race any day of the week. In fact, if they had put Sam Adams in at QB for this play, I would've been ok with the whole thing. Think how awesome it would be to see his 350+ lb. ass behind center. Comedy GOLD.


• Our defense just isn't getting it done this year. This was a very 2005 game for the Bengals. A lousy defense held up with an explosive offense. Fun to watch, but is it enough to a) make it to the playoffs and b) make it to the SB?

We shall see. In the mean time, I'm heading to Cincinnati for the holiday. I'll be staking out O'Bryon's for my Sunday fun. Anyone who correctly recognizes me at the bar gets a free beer from WhoDave.

Who DEY?

Evil on Quite a Roll - Good Guys Lose (Again) 49-41

There really aren't any words to describe the anguish involved in blowing a 21 point lead. Since I'm fairly confident that anyone reading this right now knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about, I won't even try.

Here's a pretty fair game summary:

Our offense exploded, but the collateral damage from said explosion irreparably damaged our defense. And we lost the game. Sucks.

Since I don't have it in my soul to try and defend our poor outclassed defense, I'm going to try a different tack. Namely, I'm going to ramble on about WRESTLEMANIA III, just because I want to.

WRESTLEMANIA III

I realized two things right off the bat as I sat and watched WM3 last night. First, I'm getting old. I remember watching this program when it originally aired back in 1987, which (by the way) was almost TWENTY FUCKING YEARS AGO. If you would have told me ten years ago that I'd be reminiscing about shit on TV from twenty years ago ten years into the future, I'd be very confused as to what, exactly, you meant. But DAMN, I'm getting old.

Second, it is uncanny how much our pop culture has changed in those twenty years, and how much professional wrestling's role in said pop culture has changed. To wit:

• Know who opened up the Wrestlemania III festivities? Aretha "The Queen of Soul" Franklin! I'm not kidding. She was looking good, too. Starting to get a little thick, but not even a shade of her present ginormous self. Can you imagine Aretha even returning a phone call about singing at Wrestlemania today? That call wouldn't make it past her agent's assistant these days.


• In the broadcast booth, the standard team of Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse "The Body" Ventura was supplemented with Bob Uecker and Mary Hart. Now no one is shocked about the addition of the "Ueck," but Mary Hart? Granted, Entertainment Tonight ain't the ABC World News, but don't you think it's slightly more respectable than the WWF? Apparently, in 1987, they were on an even keel. Fascinating stuff.


• The pre-politically correct world was such a beautiful place. Two awesome side stories here:

1. The Junkyard Dog. He used to be one of my absolute favorite wrestlers back in the day. But this shit would just not fly these days. Wouldn't even make it off the pitch table. "Ok, how about a black guy, but he's kind of crazy, like he's an animal, right? And we put some chains around his neck that he has to carry around with him, and given the chance, he starts barking and acting crazy. And we'll call him either Runaway Slave or Junkyard Dog, whichever marketing prefers." Holy shit, right? But in the happy-go-lucky world of 1987, not only was JYD acceptable, he was a big hit.


2. The Best Wrestling Match Ever EVER. Hillbilly Jim (a white trash stereotype before that shit was played out) and two midgets versus King Kong Bundy and . . . two other midgets. Just brilliant as a set up. But the best part of watching the tape is the unabashed use of the word "midget." Between Hillbilly Jim, Jesse Ventura, and Mean Gene Okerland, the M-bomb gets dropped at least 47 times. But perhaps the word "midget" doesn't do anything for you. Ok, tough guy, what if I sweetened the pot a bit? What if I told you that one of the midgets (seen at left) went by the handle "Little Beaver?" And that over the course of the match, Bob Uecker drops about eight "beaver" puns, each a bit more uncomfortable than the last? Yeah, that's what I thought. The match concludes with King Kong Bundy unsportingly smashing Little Beaver with his girth. Which is when KKB's own midgets turn on him. And the final shot is of Hillbilly Jim cradling a broken Little Beaver in his arms . . . Probably my favorite moment in all of professional sports / entertainment history.

• Man, those managers were really part of the action back in the day. Jimmy Hart, Bobby "the Brain" Heenan, Slick "the Doctor of Style," and, of course, Mr Fuji. In 1987, there was no room in the American heart for a benevolent older Asian man. If you were old and Asian, you might as well work on your sneer, because you were gonna be a bad guy. Mr. Fuji was so evil, his nickname was "the Devious One." They just picked up that Fu Manchu torch and ran with that bastard.


• Overall, I found Wrestlemania III about six times more entertaining than the Bengals / Chargers game. Sure, the game was a big shoot out, but WM3 had Rowdy Roddy Piper and Andre the Giant. No contest, right?

Sigh.

Ok, I promise this space will no longer be used for Wrestlemania coverage, and that I will be a good, non-fair-weather fan and cover my Bengals just as lovingly as if they were 9-0, because that's how I was raised. But for you other twenty/thirty somethings looking for a little pick me up: go get Wrestlemania III, post haste. And tell Little Beaver I said hi.

Evil Triumphs Yet Again - Good Guys Lose 26 - 20

Sigh.

The Bengals dropped an important game against the Ravens yesterday, dropping to 4-4, two games behind Baltimore in the AFC North.

This just wasn't our game. Yeah, the non-call for pass interference on 4th down was bullshit, and there were a few other questionable calls in the game, but c'mon gang. We lost this game with a few very costly mistakes, and we couldn't capitalize on the few turnover opportunities we had.

Chris Perry's fumble on the first play of the game was a pretty big indicator of things to come. Palmer looked pretty damned rusty, throwing two picks on the day and only completing 12 of his 26 passes. Ugly game all around.

Never has our linebacker corps looked more sorry or depleted than against Todd Heap. We just cannot defend a good receiving tight end. Last week it was Alge Crumpler, this week it was Heap. But the story was the same. Every third down Heap was wide open, two yards ahead of the first down mark. I ran out of expletives in this game. I kept trying out new ones, seeing if one would stick, but without much success. But I do like the sound of "Butt Shit Ass Smoker," so I might toy around with that one for a while.

Where do we stand?

Well, we're at .500, which isn't great, but it's definitely not insurmountable. The bad news is that we're in the AFC, and with the Broncos, the Jaguars, the Chiefs, and a few other teams doing pretty well, it looks like our best shot of getting into the playoffs is to win the division. Against the team that beat the shit out of us on television yesterday. Tricky tricky.

Here are my other game/overall thoughts about the Bengals' season thus far:

• It pains me to say it, but Chad Johnson needs to shut up now. I love his spirit, I love his game. But when you aren't taking care of business on the field, you have no right to talk smack. You have no right to draw attention to yourself. I love you, Chad, but bring it for two games in a row, and then you can start flapping those gums again.


• Carson needs better protection, but he also needs to sack up a bit. How many passes sailed over their intended receivers yesterday because Palmer wasn't leaning into his throws? That's really the worst thing about a big injury: even after you've healed, the mental block hangs around for a bit, fucking up your game. You can tell just by watching that Palmer isn't comfortable in the pocket, and I can't really blame the guy. But he is an NFL quarterback, and he needs to find his confidence in order for this team to have any real success.


• TJ Houshmanzadeh is awesome. Probably one of the top 10 receivers in the league. Ok, maybe that's stretching it. But when he took off his helmet after the non-call, he really screwed over his team. Maybe that twenty yards wouldn't have mattered, but maybe they would have. We were given one last chance to win it, but we had to work from our own 30 yard line or something like that. Because of his (warranted) temper tantrum, our last chance was made that much more difficult.


• Rudi is the best. I have absolutely nothing negative to say about him or his game. He still only got the ball 18 times, but he averaged 4.3 per carry, which ain't too shabby. I still want to see Brat run the ball more on first down.


• Jonathan Joseph is a geniune stud. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Bench Tory James.


• The hole was too deep to dig out of. Yes, a 14 point lead isn't that big a deal, but when those 14 points completely demoralize the other team, they're pretty much done. First the fumble and then the interception, and it was basically game over in the 1st quarter.

The good news? Well, the game's over, and we can move on. The bad news? San Diego is coming to town next Sunday. Get the Pepto Bismal ready, gang.

Who Dey?

Bleh

Well, ol' WhoDave has been sick as a dog this week, thus the lack of posts.

While I don't have definitive proof that last week's debacle against the Falcons is responsible for my ailment, I have my suspicions.

Moving right along, the Bengals go into their first big "must win" of the season on Sunday against the pretty durn good Baltimore Ravens.

My head is pounding WAY too hard right now to do a dedicated analysis, so I'm gonna take a powder on this one.

Who DEY!?