Evil on Quite a Roll - Good Guys Lose (Again) 49-41

There really aren't any words to describe the anguish involved in blowing a 21 point lead. Since I'm fairly confident that anyone reading this right now knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about, I won't even try.

Here's a pretty fair game summary:

Our offense exploded, but the collateral damage from said explosion irreparably damaged our defense. And we lost the game. Sucks.

Since I don't have it in my soul to try and defend our poor outclassed defense, I'm going to try a different tack. Namely, I'm going to ramble on about WRESTLEMANIA III, just because I want to.

WRESTLEMANIA III

I realized two things right off the bat as I sat and watched WM3 last night. First, I'm getting old. I remember watching this program when it originally aired back in 1987, which (by the way) was almost TWENTY FUCKING YEARS AGO. If you would have told me ten years ago that I'd be reminiscing about shit on TV from twenty years ago ten years into the future, I'd be very confused as to what, exactly, you meant. But DAMN, I'm getting old.

Second, it is uncanny how much our pop culture has changed in those twenty years, and how much professional wrestling's role in said pop culture has changed. To wit:

• Know who opened up the Wrestlemania III festivities? Aretha "The Queen of Soul" Franklin! I'm not kidding. She was looking good, too. Starting to get a little thick, but not even a shade of her present ginormous self. Can you imagine Aretha even returning a phone call about singing at Wrestlemania today? That call wouldn't make it past her agent's assistant these days.


• In the broadcast booth, the standard team of Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse "The Body" Ventura was supplemented with Bob Uecker and Mary Hart. Now no one is shocked about the addition of the "Ueck," but Mary Hart? Granted, Entertainment Tonight ain't the ABC World News, but don't you think it's slightly more respectable than the WWF? Apparently, in 1987, they were on an even keel. Fascinating stuff.


• The pre-politically correct world was such a beautiful place. Two awesome side stories here:

1. The Junkyard Dog. He used to be one of my absolute favorite wrestlers back in the day. But this shit would just not fly these days. Wouldn't even make it off the pitch table. "Ok, how about a black guy, but he's kind of crazy, like he's an animal, right? And we put some chains around his neck that he has to carry around with him, and given the chance, he starts barking and acting crazy. And we'll call him either Runaway Slave or Junkyard Dog, whichever marketing prefers." Holy shit, right? But in the happy-go-lucky world of 1987, not only was JYD acceptable, he was a big hit.


2. The Best Wrestling Match Ever EVER. Hillbilly Jim (a white trash stereotype before that shit was played out) and two midgets versus King Kong Bundy and . . . two other midgets. Just brilliant as a set up. But the best part of watching the tape is the unabashed use of the word "midget." Between Hillbilly Jim, Jesse Ventura, and Mean Gene Okerland, the M-bomb gets dropped at least 47 times. But perhaps the word "midget" doesn't do anything for you. Ok, tough guy, what if I sweetened the pot a bit? What if I told you that one of the midgets (seen at left) went by the handle "Little Beaver?" And that over the course of the match, Bob Uecker drops about eight "beaver" puns, each a bit more uncomfortable than the last? Yeah, that's what I thought. The match concludes with King Kong Bundy unsportingly smashing Little Beaver with his girth. Which is when KKB's own midgets turn on him. And the final shot is of Hillbilly Jim cradling a broken Little Beaver in his arms . . . Probably my favorite moment in all of professional sports / entertainment history.

• Man, those managers were really part of the action back in the day. Jimmy Hart, Bobby "the Brain" Heenan, Slick "the Doctor of Style," and, of course, Mr Fuji. In 1987, there was no room in the American heart for a benevolent older Asian man. If you were old and Asian, you might as well work on your sneer, because you were gonna be a bad guy. Mr. Fuji was so evil, his nickname was "the Devious One." They just picked up that Fu Manchu torch and ran with that bastard.


• Overall, I found Wrestlemania III about six times more entertaining than the Bengals / Chargers game. Sure, the game was a big shoot out, but WM3 had Rowdy Roddy Piper and Andre the Giant. No contest, right?

Sigh.

Ok, I promise this space will no longer be used for Wrestlemania coverage, and that I will be a good, non-fair-weather fan and cover my Bengals just as lovingly as if they were 9-0, because that's how I was raised. But for you other twenty/thirty somethings looking for a little pick me up: go get Wrestlemania III, post haste. And tell Little Beaver I said hi.