I Have Heard the Future

Well, it's been a fairly slow week out here in L.A., as the entire entertainment industry, of which I am an unfortunate member, slows to a crawl during the month of December. Luckily, this left me with plenty of time to confer with one of the greatest minds of our time. A man revered not only for his foresight, but also for gracing his every word and movement with a certain degree of coolness.


I am speaking, of course, about Slick, the Doctor of Style.

Now you probably know Slick as a former WWF professional wrestling manager, who managed such acts as The Iron Sheik, Akeem, and the Big Bossman.

But how many of you knew he is also clairvoyant? Yes, Slick the Doctor of Style has been known to dabble in the black arts, and as a result he has limited powers of seeing the future.

In his one-room office in East Hollywood, I spoke with Slick for several hours about the upcoming Bengals / Colts matchup on Monday. The results may shock you, but remember, Slick is a professional, and considering the amount of chicken blood used in his divining ceremony, my guess is that he knows what he is talking about.

Without further ado, here's a list of Slick's "visions" of the game:

1. Not only will Peyton Manning throw two interceptions, but one of them will be run back for a touchdown by either Caleb Miller or Kevin Kaesviharn (all he saw was a "goofy looking white boy," so I filled in the blanks).
2. Rudi will have over 120 yards rushing, and Chad and TJ will combine for around 150 yards in the air. All of which will be overshadowed by Carson Palmer actually levitating off the ground sometime in the 3rd quarter. I am skeptical about this one, but Slick was adamant.
3. Apparently, Peyton Manning ("That corn fed white dude with the big head") will cry on national television after the game. So set those Tivos.
4. It will be a close matchup ("Like two Chinese brothas in a kung fu fight, dig?") but the Bengals will emerge victorious in the end.

Since Slick has never let me down before, I'm fairly confident in the Good Guys' chances on Monday. Until then, as always, WHO DEY?