I Suck at Fantasy Football

In what is quickly becoming a yearly routine, I was completely unprepared for draft day this year. I just moved, and I don't have internet access at my new place yet. I drove across town to Santa Monica, where my lovely girlfriend was decent enought to let me take over her computer for three hours.

She was actually more excited about it than I thought she would be (although the enthusiasm subsided a bit when I told her it was "Fantasy Football," and not "Fancy Football," as she originally thought).

I have a few simple rules for drafting a fantasy team, and they always bite me in the ass.

To wit:

1) With very few exceptions, always draft RBs with my first three picks. It seems every year people forget that RBs are THE most valuable fantasy players. A good QB is nice, but you can only start one of them, vs. three RBs.

2) Absolutely NO Steelers. No "Big Ben." No Willie Parker. Definitely no Hines Ward. And screw their defense.

3) Only draft three Bengals maximum. Yes, I love these guys, and in a perfect world, all of them would start every week. But as I've learned in Vegas, you gotta hedge your bets, and sometimes that means passing on Chad Johnson to get a top tier running back. I'm sorry, Chad. I really am.

Now, #1 and #3 weren't really problems this year, but #2 always kicks me in the ass. #2 is why a dumb shit like me will take Reuben F. Droughns ahead of Willie Parker. The thanks I get is Reuben rushing for 27 yards on 11 carries. Thank a lot, dick.

To add insult to injury, Bledsoe started at QB for me this week (like 5 points tops), none of my WRs got TDs, and TJ Houshmanzadeh was out for the week. Like the dumbshit I am, I picked up Chris Henry and started him in TJ's stead. The thanks I get for this is negative points. Chris had one catch for -5 yards. Awesome.

My fantasy game this week hasn't been decided yet, but unless Lamont Jordan busts out for, say, 400 yards of rushing and 4 TDs, I'm basically dead in the water. But who gives a shit?

Fantasy Football is great and all, but the Bengals will always be my first priority. And the Good Guys are sitting pretty after a win at Arrowhead. So you know what? Screw it.

Stupid Fancy Football.