What to Watch on Sunday After the Bengals Decimate the Browns

God, that week between game one and two of the NFL season is the longest, isn't it? Just itching to see the boys in action again, and all I can do is sit at my desk, appear to be busy, and read everything I can get my hands on about my beloved Cincinnati Bengals.


So what else is going on this weekend?

A couple games to watch:

Buffalo at Miami
I really don't get why everyone was jumping on the Miami bandwagon this offseason. Yes, they finished last year strong, and yes, they signed Daunte Culpepper. But there are two glaring issues that everyone seems to be forgetting:

1) The Dolphins were DREADFUL for the first half of the season last year. They started 3-7, then won their last six games against questionable opponents (Oakland, Buffalo, Tennessee, and the Jets were four of them). Besides Culpepper they didn't make any big moves. Why a 9-7 team with glaring issues suddenly becomes everyone's Super Bowl pic is beyond me. But what do I know?

2) The Dolphins signed Daunte Culpepper in the offseason. Remember all those awesome plays between Culpepper and Moss? Man, those were the days. Those were the olden days. Flash forward a few years, and what has Daunte done for me lately? His knee is toast, which wouldn't matter if he was a pure pocket passer, but of course he's not. He's a scrambler pretending to be a pocket passer because his knee is held together with Silly Putty and good will at this point. And he did not look very sharp last week, throwing balls seemingly everywhere but at Chris Chambers. And speaking of Chris Chambers, word is he has a bum thumb (fun to say -- try it) and the doctors can't figure out what the problem is. Long story short, the Dolphins' two marquee players on offense aren't gonna be getting a lot done together, save for their weekly cortisone shots (they like to hold hands).

Don't be surprised if Buffalo upsets Miami this week. The Bills aren't much, but as we saw towards the end of last season, they can be good enough to get a W against a better team (on paper at least).

Kansas City at Denver
This is still a pretty heated rivalry, and both of these clubs are coming off Week One losses, so I expect a good, passionate game. After making the playoffs last year, the Broncos are looking a little weak after the real Jake Plummer escaped from his cell and replaced the bearded cyborg that was impersonating him for much of last year. Anyone else catch that left handed shovel pass he tossed last week? Welcome back, Jake. We missed you, buddy.

As for Kansas City, I'll be surprised if the Broncos have as much luck containing LJ as the Bengals did. Yes, the Kansas City O-line is suspect at best, but I don't think that man can be contained for two straight weeks. The real question is whether Huard will lose the game for them. Denver's gonna stack the box all game, and who can blame them? If Kansas City is unable to establish any sort of passing attack, they could be done by halftime. But something in my head is telling me that this will be a good, dirty battle. Plus you get to watch Shanahan's baboon-ass face for most of the game. Worth the price of admission.

New York Giants at Philadelphia


I can't believe everyone wrote off Philly this year, and in the same breath picked the Giants as the NFC Super Bowl favorite. Did I miss something? The Giants, admittedly, do have a great RB in Tiki Barber, but Eli is simply not ready yet. He'll definitely improve as the season goes on, but he ain't no Donovan McNabb.

And why is everyone down on the Eagles so much? T.O. is like a hurricane. He blows through town, destroys everything, leaving a pile of rubble in his wake. I guess why everyone dogged the Eagles in their season preview is because no one can imagine them being productive after such a calamity. Yes, they were pretty mediocre last year, but they were also pretty banged up, injury-wise. After watching McNabb fall in love with his new can of spam Donte Stallworth last week, I'm pretty optimistic about the Eagles' chance of making the playoffs this year.

And I definitely think they have enough in the tank to put down the Giants, and maybe silence a few NY fan boys in the process.

Anyways, none of these games really matter, of course, because the Bengals aren't involved. But I like to stay abreast of the rest of these clowns, so I have an idea of which corpses we'll have to scrape off the bottom of our shoes on the way to the Super Bowl.

Who Dey!