SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

We have a metric shit ton of good games this Sunday, culminating, of course, with the Steelers / Bengals. And for once, the game is being televised on normal TV out here in Los Angeles. I have to admit, I'm equal parts excited and scared about this game. Why do the Steelers do that to me? Oh yeah, because they killed my quarterback last year. Bastards.

Cue up the stupid CBS animation -- it's time for the Rundown of the Game Points Thing!

BENGALS

• The Bengals need to score more points than the Steelers in this game.


• Preventing the Steelers from scoring points will be a big help


• Score touchdowns and field goals

STEELERS

• The Steelers need to try and reign in their emotions (no more crying Hines)


• Accepting the fact that the Bengals are not only better players, but better fathers as well (looking at you Joey Porter)


• When Big Ben shits the bed, the Steelers need to rally quickly to change the sheets before Cowher finds out and busts out "the belt"

Seriously, I've been reading all these stupid articles about why so-and-so will triumph; why the "key to the game" will be if Spankety Spank can control the Time of Possession; why such-and-such a team is too good to start off 0-3; blah blah blah. Know what I've learned? None of these clowns has the slightest clue what the hell they're talking about.

John Madden might be the most obvious announcer of all time ("If you don't score points, you're not going to win the game."), but he's also the most accurate. For all his head-scratching, Mr. Obvious-inspired comments, Big John remains one of the most pragmatic guys in the game. Yeah, it seems too obvious sometimes, but that's because football is a pretty obvious game.

Now I'm just rambling.

Anyhow, here are my picks for this weekend (no spreads - I don't gamble on football):

Carolina over TAMPA BAY

Two teams coming off two weeks of embarrassment. This one could go either way, but Carolina has more ballers on offense than TB.

MINNESOTA over Chicago

Everyone I know picked the Bears to win this one, and I can't help but think that conventional wisdom is dumb. The Vikings have looked pretty good so far this year, and their defense is going to surprise a Bears team that is over-confident after routing two shitty teams (The Packers and the Lions). Rex Grossman has been playing WAY over his head, and this is the game where all the bandwagon-jumper-oners get to eat some crow. Welcome back to reality, Bears fans: your offense still sucks.

DETROIT over Green Bay

No fucking way the Lions lose this game. The Packers aren't quite as bad as the Raiders, but they're pretty close. Best guess is that this is a high scoring game that the Lions win late.

Jacksonville over INDIANAPOLIS

Second verse, same as the first. The Colts have ZERO running game this year, and the Jags have shown they can cover the pass well. I expect a very tight game that the Jags eventually win, causing every sportswriter in America to pencil in Jacksonville for the Super Bowl. Of course, we know that's not going to happen because . . .

Cincinnati over PITTSBURGH

The almighty Cincinnati Bengals are taking the AFC crown this year. No two ways about it. I'm very frightened by this game, especially considering the injuries to our WR corps and the loss of Dexter Jackson. Nevertheless, don't be surprised if the Bengals blow out the Steelers in this game. If we can stop the run, and force Roethlisberger to pass, it's gonna be a long game for the Steelers. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: Ben is a slightly above average QB with a very average receiving corps. If we can contain Willie Parker, we're going 3-0.

NY Jets over BUFFALO

This is the week where the Buffalo hopefuls have their spirits crushed. They have a very solid D, but the Jets are playing good football right now.

TENNESSEE over Miami

The Dolphins suck.

HOUSTON over Washington

So do the Redskins.

CLEVELAND over Baltimore

The Browns were tattooed last week against Cincinnati, but they are going to bounce back and help us get first place to ourselves. Baltimore is not the offensive juggernaut they've been pretending to be. I expect this will be a low-scoring affair, with Cleveland winning narrowly.

SEATTLE over NY Giants

No way the Seahawks lose this game at home. Eli gets banged around a lot in this game, and throws a couple of picks. God I hate those fucking Mannings.

PHILIDELPHIA over San Fran

This is also the week where 49ers fans come back to earth. Alex Smith is showing some good stuff thus far, but not against the Eagles D.

St. Louis over ARIZONA

All my Arizona buddies are WAY too excited about this team. Last I checked, the Cardinals still have Kurt Warner behind center. The Rams are equally mediocre, but they will win handily in AZ.

DENVER over New England

Jake the Snake disappears, and his bearded cyborg clone takes his place this week. Should be one of the better games of the weekend. Meanwhile, a lackluster Pats team gets the beating it so richly deserves.

ATLANTA over New Orleans

The Saints get embarrassed at home. Sad, but true.

Is everyone else as excited as I am? I really gotta feel for my neighbors during the Big Game on Sunday. The walls in my apartment are made of tissue paper and papier mache. Compound that with the fact that my baritone voice carries for about four miles, and you've got yourself one pissed off neighbor. Sorry in advance.

Until then, as always, WHO DEY?